America the Beautifart

by Mrs. Jabonski's Third Grade Class

July 21, 2003

O beautiful farts stained the skies,
For lumber made of brains,
For purple Muppet maggot fleas
A dove went fruity--GAY!
America! America!
God shaves his balls with thee.
And this other dude
Had a brother who'd
Frenched a seal in the slimy sea! Gross!

O beautiful Ford Pinto fire,
And beans that give dogs gas
And fat kids who eat ding dongs
Until they've got a King Kong ass!
America! America!
God shits some grapes on thee.
And stick your butt in a Pizza Hut,
Until they show it on TV!

O beautiful sick weasels peed,
On your grandma's electric fence.
When the smoke cleared the minivan
Was covered in weasel dents!
America! America!
God barfed his brains on thee.
The president kissed a pig for Lent
He thought was the Virgin Mary!

O beautiful retarded flies,
On a seasick lion's mane
For Mrs. Jabonski's bad trick knee
And her husband who is gay! (fruity)
America! America!
God waves his butt at thee.
For the Batmobile did lose a wheel
And the Joker got away! Hey!

Milestones

131 B.C.: Roman inventor Pontius creates love accidentally while trying to come up with a perfume that staves off homosexuality. Anyone who disagrees, we invite them to tell us who created love then.

Now Hiring

Barber. Staff barber sought to keep heads neat and trim, faces clean shaven, and reduce hippieness by at least 30%. Own scissors and weird Vitalis smell a plus. Controversial "tell-it-like-it-is" barbers need not apply.

Top 5 Worst Ways to Start a Letter

1.	Dear Cum-Dumpsters...
2.	Remember you said you wouldn't lend me money even if I had abducted your family? Wellâ€¦
3.	Fellow Grand Dragons...
4.	Long time, no lawsuit...
5.	Boy, when you moved away without telling me where you were going I thought I'd never find youâ€¦

Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping rose though no alarm was beeping and made a sandwich of apple cores, which he chewed between the snores. Incessantly talking while sleepwalking, Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis a regional club pro, who, you know, ... (7/7/03)

Learn About Rain
The rain falls wet like sloppery skittles from the mouth of a stupid dog. The beautiful rain, it coats the trees like sex lubricant. But that's where the rivers come from. The rain slides down the trees like sweat down the crack of... (6/23/03)

The Color of My Blade Is Chartreuse
Who can compare the green of a sunset to the gray of a ham? Or the scarlet water that trickles down very nearly without a sound as the brown sky spans overheadâ€¦ Have truer words been said? The vivid purple blood that gushes from a... (6/9/03)