America the Beautifart

by Mrs. Jabonski's Third Grade Class

July 21, 2003

O beautiful farts stained the skies,
For lumber made of brains,
For purple Muppet maggot fleas
A dove went fruity--GAY!
America! America!
God shaves his balls with thee.
And this other dude
Had a brother who'd
Frenched a seal in the slimy sea! Gross!

O beautiful Ford Pinto fire,
And beans that give dogs gas
And fat kids who eat ding dongs
Until they've got a King Kong ass!
America! America!
God shits some grapes on thee.
And stick your butt in a Pizza Hut,
Until they show it on TV!

O beautiful sick weasels peed,
On your grandma's electric fence.
When the smoke cleared the minivan
Was covered in weasel dents!
America! America!
God barfed his brains on thee.
The president kissed a pig for Lent
He thought was the Virgin Mary!

O beautiful retarded flies,
On a seasick lion's mane
For Mrs. Jabonski's bad trick knee
And her husband who is gay! (fruity)
America! America!
God waves his butt at thee.
For the Batmobile did lose a wheel
And the Joker got away! Hey!

Quote of the Day

“I have not yet begun to fight! When I have begun, it will look quite different. Fists will be flying about, and you will hear a high-pitched whistling sort of sound that will actually be a scream. In factâ€”I'll make a little hand gesture to let you know. When you see that, that will let you know I'm fighting.”

-John Paul Jones Ringo

Fortune 500 Cookie

Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other armâ€”maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.

Try again later.

Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting

1.	How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction?
2.	Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot?
3.	What did Whittington know, and when?
4.	When exactly did Brangelina hear about it?
5.	So, where do you wanna eat?

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