Why is Everybody Else So Fat?

It seems like you can't open an unrealistic women's magazine or go game hunting in a daycare center these days without hearing about the nation's weight problem. And it's true, America's been packing on the pounds like a newlywed in Wisconsin since the late 1970's. Why didn't we hear about it until now? Thanks to thinning vertical stripes going out of style a few years ago, we're just now realizing how fat all of our friends and neighbors really are. It's like a Viet Cong of fat ambushing us in the jungle. And the current fashion trend toward Hamburgler-style black and white horizontal stripes certainly hasn't helped, amplifying girth that needed no help and creating a big fat optical illusion at the same time.

But how can a nation seemingly so obsessed with fitness and unattainable standards of beauty also be so hilariously, belt-snappingly fat at the same time? In order to understand this paradox, we must take a look at how America's diet has changed in the last thirty years, the era when America went off its diet like a berserk funnycar and decided nobody could tell it not to drink fat through a straw.

Not long ago was the day when the nation's diet consisted mainly of grain, potatoes, and gas station ham sandwiches. Though not exactly the fish-rice-seaweed trifecta that kept the Japanese wafer-thin and efficiently evil for years, it did well enough and the only fat people back then were those who vaingloriously attempted to live on gas station ham sandwiches alone. Even those fat individuals were a tiny minority, however, since most Americans assumed there must be something in the bible against that kind of thing. Americans did drank a lot of beer, but anybody who tells you beer makes you fat is trying to sell you Lite beer.

Over the years, as technology advanced and Americans sought out new and exciting ways to supplant missing parental love, people began to eat more and more processed foods. Which is industry jargon for remaindered textile wastes and ground up Frisbees. Convenience, plus the thrill of eating something out of a brightly colored box like Crackerjacks used to come in, led to a larger and larger proportion of the American diet consisting of food-shaped industrial byproducts. And as Americans came to demand more convenience, food processors began to shy away from using any actual foods at all, which start to taste funky after being vacuum-sealed in a Mylar bag for three years. By the mid-80's, most of the food Americans were eating consisted mainly of ground carpet remnants coated in flavorful lard. Which sounds awful until you hear what they put in dog food.

The fast food industry accelerated this process, serving up colorful fat-delivery vehicles devoid of depressing nutrients and vegetables in portions big enough to satisfy Uganda. Americans couldn't buy it up fast enough, falling hard for the food-like entrees and pleasantly fabricated environment, a place where The Man wasn't hassling you about eating fiber all the time. The various fast food chains went to great lengths to lure glazed customers their way by offering everything, including napkins, with bacon, and coating the handrails and table tops with a thin layer of rendered cow fat that was absorbed through the skin.

Of course, other factors besides diet have contributed to Americans' booming waistlines. High tech stretch fibers being built into clothes have made being fat more comfortable than ever. In addition, television remote controls, home video pornography and the abolition of sidewalks have nearly eliminated conventional exercise from the average American's daily life.

Perhaps the biggest symbolic blow to a thin America, however, came when Marlon Brando showed the American people that even the beautiful and talented can fall on a fat grenade and blow up like a microwaved marshmallow, so what chance does the average shlub have to stay thin? The sound of French-fry crunching surrender could be heard all across the land, a whisper that has grown into a deafening roar in our current "what the hell" national climate. But is there any hope for a thinner future?

Are you kidding? The only vegetable Americans will eat has to be soaked in oil, fried, and then dusted with pulverized beef balls before it can sneak into our stomachs. We're screwed. Fat and screwed. Sleep tight.

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