Sleepwalkers

by Chandra Hiccough

July 7, 2003

Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping
rose though no alarm was beeping
and made a sandwich of apple cores,
which he chewed between the snores.

Incessantly talking while sleepwalking,
Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis
a regional club pro, who, you know,
was dreaming of sleeping in the snow.

Reginald Humphries was getting comfy
on the cowcatcher of a train
speeding toward the coast of Maine.
(He had lobster on the brain.)

Sundried laundry
presents a quandary
for a tomato-eating serf-in-waiting,
who until recently was dating
a school of trout he'd dreamt about.

Loosely-roostered farms were boosted
by the news that Simon Schustered
across the Atlantic in a biplane.
"Worst sleep of my life," he did complain.

The president, he did lament
waking up to sign a treaty
from a dream where he shared ice cream
and a sleeping bag with Ally Sheedy.

Texas Tony dreamt alimony
had been outlawed while he slept on his horse.
Which it had not been, but of course
while he dreamt this was the case.

But worst of all was Lowland Paul,
who dreamt he was naked at the mall.
The news that had poor Paul in a pall
was that he wasn't dreaming, not at all.

Quote of the Day

“I can't quit you babeâ€¦ you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaactâ€¦ oh yes you do oh yes you doâ€¦ your early termination fees are givin' me the bluesâ€¦ I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeahâ€¦ I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in twoâ€¦”

-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."

Try again later.

Top Mike Tyson Hotel Brawl Excuses

1.	Men insulted Tyson's little yappy dog.
2.	"Dude reminded me that I raped his sister."
3.	Tyson heard bell ring in lobby.
4.	Victim reminded Mike of "Little Mac."
5.	Men taunted Tyson with their delicious-looking ears.

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