Howdy-Doody, America, and welcome back for another peek up the entertainment skirt. We here at Entertainment Police, and I use the term "we" loosely since I mean only me, hope you've been enjoying the blockbuster season so far and are ready for a little more. Well, maybe not quite ready, since there's nothing but ladyfingers going off this week, but we (again: me) hope you're keeping a little in reserve for when the big bombs hit. And we mean bombs in a good way, not like the metal kind they drop on elementary schools in far-off lands or the movie kind they drop on audiences during the spring months. Speaking of which, it's nice out, so we're going to move straight to the speed round in this week's reviews:



In Theaters



2 Fast 2 Furious

M.C. Hammer's directorial debut follows the protective eyewear enthusiast's ascent from preppie rapping superdoof to hard-core street thug rapper, then to rapping pretend boxer or whatever he's posing as this week. There are lots of cars, which is good, and young people, which is better, but for obvious reasons and despite their best efforts they couldn't work Hammer all the way out of the script, and for that it gets a big fat 2Lame4U.

Daniel Day-Care

Charlie Kaufman's latest bizarre script has screen star Daniel Day Lewis opening a day care center after he learns a heartfelt lesson on a bus and discovers that changing poopy diapers is way more fulfilling than being an internationally acclaimed film actor. It is funny to see Day-Lewis lecturing toddlers on the wisdom of Indian customs or the best way to axe some foreigner in the back, but overall the pic is a bit too smarmy for my tastes. Smarm is a hard element to balance in a film, you think you're only adding a pinch for flavor but you almost always end up dumping in way too damned much.

Hollywood Homicide

This quickie cash-in on the Robert Blake murder case is disappointing, but mainly because they dropped the ball big-time by not casting Courtney Love as Bonnie Lee Bakley. Talk about the role she was born to play. They could probably still get things right by casting Love in the sequel, but that would have to entail some freaky lighting-strike that brings Bakley back to life so Blake could shoot her again. That's a little silly, so they might just have to let this one go and keep Love in mind if they ever do a movie about Nirvana.

The In-Laws

Wouldn't it be hilarious if your in-laws turned out to be a mismatched pair of superspies? No? You're right!

The Italian Job

People always ask me how this differs from a blowjob or a handjob, and to be honest it's hard to describe. It's kind of like both at once, with froth on top, if that's not too graphic for your bourgeoisie sensibilities. As for the movie, it's mostly froth, with Marky Mark looking for love in all the wrong places, including Italy. The directing is sold, and the whole film could have been great if they'd done an Italian job on the screenplay, but unfortunately the screenwriter pulled off a Hoboken job instead, which is kind of painful and involves clamps.

Love the Hard Way

There hasn't been a celebration of anal sex in popular culture as blatant as this since Led Zeppelin's In Through the Out Door, and for that reprieve I had been grateful. Let this film stand as a compelling argument against DOGME certification in the future, as sometimes pancake makeup is the only humane way to go.

Rugrats Gone Wild

I for one didn't want to see these cartoon toddlers get naked, and requested as much in a written letter to the studio, but as usual I think they filed my letter under "future asswipe material." By that I mean they were going to use my letter to wipe their moviemaking asses, not that they expect I will one day turn into an asswipe. If they don't think I'm an asswipe by now, chances are that ship has sailed.


That's that, America. Which that? THAT one. Right there. No, to your left. A little more, a little more… warmer… THAT ONE! YOU- aw, crap, you almost had it. Maybe next time. Until then, I'll be me, you be you, and never the twain shall meet. Later America!

May 26, 2003
Hot fun in the cinematime, ooh-la! Yep, America, summer's all up in us and Hollywood again backs its dump truck full of big-budget money-magnets right into our collective lap! If you're wondering where all the good movies went to before May, they... (5/26/03)

May 12, 2003
Time to stretch whatever you need to stretch, America, we're gearing up for the Summer Blockbuster season. Take your time, though, since nothing looks worse on a time-off request form than the term "pulled scrotum." Ouch. Once you're good and loose... (5/12/03)

April 28, 2003
Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater... (4/28/03)

April 14, 2003
Howdy howdy howdy America, as they used to say in the old three-man Westerns. We're here for another week of the viewin' and reviewin' good time you've come to know as Entertainment Police. Or, if you've been tuning in to our Spanish-language... (4/14/03)

March 31, 2003
Holy movie overload, America! Like most of us, Hollywood is doing a little spring-cleaning this week, but instead of dragging unused exercise equipment and boxes of used pornography to the curb, they're dragging their excess cinema to the, well…... (3/31/03)