Comrade: LongLiveRock
In the beginning God created the TV and the Computer.
And the British Empire was without laughter, and void; and The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who, and lots of other crappy bands with really cool songs and teeth was upon the face of the United Kingdom. And the Spirit of Oxbridge educations moved upon the somthing of the waters.
And God said, Let there be Monty Python's Flying Circus: and there was Monty Python's Flying Circus.
And a generation of bad comedians and nerds saw the light, that it was John Cleese, Grahma Chapman, Eric Idle, Micheal Palin, Terry Jones, and Terry Gilliam, duh!: and God divided the nerds from the geeks.
And God called the two he didn't really like Gene Robbenberry and George Lucas, and the darkness he called Fan-boy dom. And the evening and the morning were times to eat and sleep.
And God said, WOW, Dude firmament in the midst of the butt crack, and let it drain the waters from the bathtub.
And God made the comdom, and divided the Red Sea or somthing which were under the fat lady's ass from the uh the fat lady which were above the really ugly man: and it was so.
And Stu Pickles called the Home Heaven. And the Toronto Comedians and the Chicago Comedians were the second City.
06/01/2003
Comrade: Ufcker In the beginning God created the Manchild and the symbol.
And the manchild was without knowledge, and void; and the symbol was upon the face of the manchild. And the Spirit of Symbols moved upon the land of the waters.
And God said, Let there be knowledge: and there was knowledge.
And the Manchild saw the light, that it was fucking bright: and God divided the knowledge from the Truth.
And God called the light Truth, and the darkness he called knowledge. And the evening and the morning were time of great pornography.
And God said, Make firmament in the midst of the Womanchild, and let it create the waters from the loins.
And God made the Womanchild, and divided the waters which were under the "hood" from the two which were above the land of the waters: and it was so.
And God called the depths Heaven. And the peaks and the valleys were the second named so.
04/21/2003
Comrade: Hippie In the beginning God created the heavens and earth--wait a second, where did God come from? Let's go back a little further. In the beginning, there was nothing. And then from that came a nothing covered with atomic dust particles like atoms. That sizzles and boiled for a few thousand years until it decided to call itself God. Then God became bored with the idea of Himself and created other stuff. Among them was the planets and the stars, and He though, "O, but it would be cool if there dinosaurs. I just made that up. I own it, Copyright me." And so he did.
And the dinosaurs roamed the Earth and God would come down to behold his creations, but they were not too bright and would chase The Almighty. He was without mercy and more than a little pissed, so he turned the dinosaurs into oil and said, "Yea, I hope somebody gets some use out of these assholes eventually. In the meantime, God signed a document that made Satan's previous contract null, and void; and Satan looked upon the contract and thought it was bitchin'. For though he did not dislike God, it was more fun being bad than good. And God was more than a little steamed to see a smile was upon the face of the ingrateful free-agent angel now, and banished him to an unpopular poorly-lit region of existence, but Satan was cool with it; he lit some torches and called it hell. And he looked upon his creation and thought it was way-better than heaven. And the Spirit of Christmas barged in drunk to God's office and bitched and moaned because his job had no responsibilities yet, for there were no little boys, little girls, or old curmudgeons to haunt to teach the meaning of himself to. And so God, to shut him up, created man, and his wife, Audrey. And because of Audrey's constant bitching, the couple moved upon the greener pastures of the earth and then moved to the sands of the earths, then back to the grass; Man was getting tired of it, and asked God to create television, especially shows featuring other men, or better yet, women, yeah, women, who ran along beaches, bouncing, as the guardians of the waters.
And God said, Let there be Baywatch... why not? And for his own fun he banished Audrey to hell where she became middle-management, and created Eve. She was easier-going, and called the Man Adam, for she could see into the future and liked that Bonanza character particularly. So God said "Let that be that what I say coming up now be so": and there was other shows.
And Adam saw the light, that it was a shitty picture, and asked God why he was punished with poor reception: and God divided the signal and it didn't help; He shook the metal rod to make it better, but it was still a crappy picture. So God was forced to create cable companies from excess pig fecal matter, which was piling up anyway. And God allowed the cable companies to charge whatever was fair, and He knew it was a big mistake.
And God called the cable representatives and asked, "Lo, what is this shit on my bill? I didn't order any pay-perview." He also let loose a thundering rage and becried the maintenance fees, and the darkness he called "the Cable-Plus bullshit package." So God told them to cancel his cable, and he would get satellite. And the evening and the morning were devoid of any television, for He had not created the thing with which he threatened the cable company.
And God said, "It is imperative to create satellite as competition, to keep cable companies from outrageous charges. Yea, truthfully, I don't even want to watch TV all that bad, but I will feel like a total chump if I do not get satellite and the cable companies find out about it now that I've said I would get it." Completely wrapped up in this cable business, God had not noticed his two people on Earth left to themselves had eaten all the food already and were bloated and running out of food. And God was pissed, but forgave them, creating firmament in the midst of the ocean and said, "There. More places to grow food. Don't screw it up. Just... you know, take it easy." And to help them chill as decreed, God made them human, with limited appetites and more technically-functioning bodies. He also decreed there be sex, and let it sloppy and nasty, to prevent overpopulation. But despite the sloppiness and nastiness, the humans liked it--in fact, the sloppiness and nastiness helped. Soon there were many, many people, from the tips of the mountains to the waters from the oceans and lakes.
And God made the loudest swear word you ever heard, everything was just going batshit down there. So God created differences, and divided the men and women by countries and skin colors and religions and even the types of blood which were under the skin and inside the veins. For once, it worked like a charm and everyone obsessed over their differences and began to think themselves better for the way they were different and everyone else sucked for theirs. And the men and women, mostly men, made guns from the metallic elements in the earth, and gunpowder from the Gunpowder trees, which were above the mountaintops and kind of tucked into caves where God thought they'd never be found. But God had made differences to ultimately spread hate and limit the population: and it was so.
And war after war filled the years--wars over insignificant political borders, wars over the domination of one race by another, wars to show how good a religion was since it was allowed to win the last war. Some of the wars were called the World wars because they featured all of the Western peoples in the world, and they considered themselves the complete world and it was an extra "fuck you" to the Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and everyone else the Western peoples didn't like. And it was good, since many people were sent to Heaven. And the many, many people who weren't deserving of Heaven were sent to Hell, but were promptly kicked out by Satan, who preferred to keep the place small, private, and saucy, and the unpopular assholes were sent back to Heaven and made everything a living hell for everybody up there. Whoever was left alive were the second world war winners, and took great pride in it, for some bizarre reason. And many, many, many bad movies would be made about it, even up to the last years of that century.
03/05/2003
Comrade: Skyway In the beginning God created the amazing art of self-delusion and the Dairy Queen blizzard (available in 16 flavors for $1.99).
And the entire state of New Jersey was without a source of mind-altering substances, and void; and a look of complete disgust was upon the face of the people at a Rolling Stones' concert when they play "Jumpin' Jack Flash for the 32nd time in a row because Jagger can't remember the lyrics to anything else. And the Spirit of Omar Bricks moved upon the NACS (National Association of Californian Surfers) of the waters.
And God said, Let there be a shortage of reality TV shows: and there was mass mayhem because nobody knew what else to do with a free Thursday evening.
And after a late night out clubbing, God came home and saw the light, that it was only his answering machine--probably Mary bitching about the overdue child support again: and God divided the vowels from the consanants in his box of "Alpha Bits," but couldn't decide what to do with "y" and so ate all of them, therefore eliminating the problem.
And God called the director of "Feeling Minnesota" a "talentless motherfucker", and the darkness he called a blackout. And the evening and the morning were 24 hours long, although it seemed much longer to everyone involved.
And God said, snickering under his breath, that he was completely not responsible for the appearance of a firmament in the midst of the Gay Rights Parade, and let it be know that Iraq plans to use the waters from the melting polar ice caps to develop a new soda tentatively titled....(sorry, that's classified).
And God made the best damn potato salad you've ever tasted , and divided the French which were under the living room sofa, hiding, from the Italians, which were above the Earth, flying around aimlessly in a plane searching for an "authentic" Italian restaurant. In this way, God guaranteed the world two delicious salad dressings, instead of the revolting combination of the two: and it was so.
And after all this, God called the Pope at the Vatican and asked how many good deeds were required to get into Heaven. After much negotiation, the number was lowered to one, ensuring even Michael Jackson a chance at Heaven. And the ensuing celebration was really one for the record books (in myth anyway), but no one's sure and the details were quickly forgotten because no one could remember what happened clearly enough to write them down. These events were the second story of God. If we told you the first, we'd have to strike you down with a "stray" lightning bolt.
03/03/2003
Comrade: In the beginning God created the pepsi and the coke.
And the world was without rc, and void; and confusion was upon the face of the consumer. And the Spirit of advertising moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be competition: and there was the cola wars.
And pepsi saw the light, that it was pepsi lite: and God divided the caffeinated from the caffein free.
And God called the fizzy brown sugar water, a deception, and the darkness he called diet coke. And the evening and the morning were obscured by strip mall lighting.
And God said, let there be a choice of refreshment in the re- firmament in the midst of the cola wars, and let it be 7 up like the waters from the un-cola.
And God made the people virtual sheep, and divided the masses which were under the spell of the colas from the corporate amalgam which were above the laws of decency: and it was so.
And pepsico called the contrived competition, Heaven. And the men and the women were the second group of god's creations to be bamboozled by bottlers. Genies being the 1st.
02/22/2003
Comrade: Messiahblue In the beginning God created the man and the woman.
And the world was without peace, and void; and lust was upon the face of the man. And the Spirit of coitus moved upon the turgid staff of the waters.
And God said, Let there be fucking: and there was fucking.
And Adam saw the light, that it was a young boy: and God divided the man from from the boy with a crowbar.
And God called the act sodomy, and the darkness he called corn holing. And the evening and the morning were filled with sex and fucking.
And God said, fellate his firmament in the midst of the coitus, and let it cover your face with the waters from the potent phallus.
And God made the climax, and divided the orgasms which were under the count of 2 for the man from the garden and Eve's which were above the number of 23: and it was so.
And the sex crazed couple called the act of fucking, Heaven. And the young boys and the beasts of the field were the second coming.
02/19/2003
Comrade: briangoblin In the beginning God created the belief system that held Him highest of all things, and the object of reverence, awe and worship. Being infinite in His wisdom, he then realized, after not too much delay, that in order for a belief system to be effective, there needed to be those who would believe it. And so, God created life. A vast population that would revere and admire Him.
Unfortunately, they all died soon after, as God had, in His infinite wisdom, neglected to create a world upon which they could live. So, being fed up as He was, God chucked everything and started anew. He created the stars and the heavens, the moon and the sun, light and dark, etc. God was annoyed that He had to lay so much groundwork just to get a simple belief system going, but whatever.
And the first person who asks what things were like before there was a Heaven for God to live in, or light and dark, goes straight to the Principal’s Office.
And so, God created the world, which at this time was without a population of any kind. A bountiful frontier, full of unspoiled goods and plenty of plenty. God let out an exultant sigh, pleased with Himself for all His hard work. He had taken what was mere emptiness, and nothingness, and void; and made a bunch of spinning rocks out of it. He knew that once His belief system was in place, He would go down in history as the foremost master of subatomic particle manipulation.
“That was a good first day,” God said to no one in particular, for He was the only being that existed at that time. And so, He did rest.
A haggard look was upon the face of the Lord when He awoke the next morning, for He realized that, in His haste, He’d forgotten to create subatomic particles. Watching in disappointment as the universe collapsed in on itself, God hunkered down and thought long and hard about what absolutely needed to be in place before he started running around, creating things.
Eventually, He set to it again. And the Spirit of Creativity was with Him, metaphorically speaking, as no such divine entity existed but He. The Lord moved upon the face of Creation, and commanded that henceforth this day would be known as the First Day Do-Over.
He declared, in a booming, authoritative voice, “Let there be math.”
Having done so, the Lord was able to start building the universe anew. He was like a small child playing with Legos, only He didn’t keep pulling the heads off of the Lego people. That would have to wait. First, He had to continue waving his mighty arms and making declarative sentences.
“Let there be life,” He said. He created birds of the sky, gophers of the land, fishes of the waters.
And God said, Let there be people: and there was people.
And the people saw the light, that it was really a bit too bright, and they did squint as one. God, with a swift gesture of His mighty hand, did dim it a bit. And the people did rub their eyes.
The Lord looked proudly down upon His people, whom He had made in His own image, for He had used up all His creative energy coming up with all the plants and animals, and could not think of anything else. He was about to appear before His people, and proclaim Himself their joyous Creator, in so whom they should place all their hopes and dreams, for He could make them so. But then He saw what they were doing.
The people had gathered around a golden calf they had made, and were dancing and fawning upon it.
“That’s MY affection!” the Lord did cry: and God divided the people from their graven image.
And God called the people nits, and said “What’s that calf ever done for you?” He bitchslapped the people as one, told them everything He’d done, and bitterly sulked away. The light he called bogus, and the darkness he called home. These were the sorts of things the Lord did write in His journal at the time. Remember, He was young back then.
The afternoon was shitty. And the evening and the morning were shittier.
And God said, “Fuck those guys.” He became bitter and vengeful, appearing occasionally on the planet that the humans had unimaginatively named “Earth” to mess with people’s heads and generally screw around. He kept writing in His journal, until a troublesome passage about a “permanent firmament in the midst of the mist” led Him to grow bored, give it up, and let it go. He drank the waters from the Evian bottle.
And God made the married virgin bear His child, and divided the Testaments in twain. He became less focused, and did lose His keys, which were under the lamp. He rarely got up from the easy chair in which He more-or-less permanently rested. And so did He give His only begotten son, for He was simply too lazy to conceive any more. He lost His spare keys, which were above the sink: and it was so.
And in His boredom, He called the pizza place, for He was too weary to create a pizza himself. He declared Pizza Joe’s three-cheese blend Heaven. And the more of it He ate, the fatter He did get. And He did eat quite a lot. This, children, is why we never see the burning bush and the Holy Spirit or any other manifestion of His power in the world today. He’s too fat.
Where were the second graders? I said this assembly was for everyone.
02/17/2003
Comrade: Jazzsoda 2: Now with Butter In the beginning God created the beginning, stupid. Because, after all, what comes before the beginning? The Prologue? Okay, fine, God created the prologue first, that's a given, but in the beginning he created the beginning. Asshole. And next, God created the birds and the bees, because he likes pretty things that fly and have sex.
And the earth was without strife, except for the occasional bee sting or pecked-out eyeball. Then one of the birds tried to sue God for making him so small and fidgety, and God got pissed and declared his contract with the birds null, and void; and he afflicted them all with loose bowels for all time, the evidence of which soon was upon the face of the first cavemen, and the windshield of the first cave cars. And the Spirit of '76 was the first gas station, decorated in a futuristic fantasy theme of what they thought 76 B.C. would look like. Oh, I almost forgot about Adam and Eve, who lived in the Garden of Eden but moved upon the advice of their real-estate agent, Saul Baumstein. They moved into a nice duplex in North Jersey and were happy until they heard the godawful first solo album from Roger of the waters.
And God said, Let there be no more of this shit, please: and there was no more of that shit.
And Adam's mother-in-law saw the light, that it was left on like he worked for the power company or something, and she nagged him until he regretted giving up a rib for this shit: and God divided the house in two so everyone could get along, with the in-laws only being able to visit from 4pm to 4:15pm on Tuesdays.
And God called the sky peanut butter, and the darkness he called nickleshits. And the evening and the morning were tittybumples.
And God said, I want a pet with a face like a duck but an ass like a beaver, and everybody realized that on the second day God was hammered. He had set up a firmament in the midst of the juniormint, he assured everyone, though no one knew what the hell he was talking about. Then God bet $50 on black, and let it ride, and God's friends cleansed him in the waters from the hotel shower to sober his ass up.
And God made the narwhal, the giraffe and the sloth while he was half-asleep in the bathtub, and divided the world into the thumbed and the thumbless while he was looking for his keys which were under the bed. While crawling into bed he decided to make the Okapi from the spare parts of other animals he had lying around, some of which were above the nightstand. As God drifted off into a vodka-lubricated sleep, he declared that everyone should have extra organs they don't need just to keep them guessing: and it was so.
And some time later God's wife called the hotel from Heaven. And the desk clerk rang the room, and when no one answered he and the night janitor had to bust in the door, soon after which they were the second and third people incinerated by the vision of God's full magesty passed out sloppy drunk on a hotel bed.
02/17/2003
