Up, Up and Away

by Tyler Swick

April 28, 2003

Up, up and away
in my beautiful balloon!
Not a sound as I
lift off the ground.
Piss on you suckers
and your ground-standing!

Goddamn there sure are a lot
of birds up here,
and not just cute ones.
I could swear some of these
birds have gonads.
Gross.

Getting kind of dizzyâ€¦
probably should have brought
a tank of oxygen or
blew some in a bag or something.
I thought there'd be more air up here,
it looked pretty airy from the ground.

Hey how'd this goddamned bear get in here?
Shit, I wish this beautiful balloon was
bigger and had a closet to hide
in or something.

Kinda cold up here too.
You'd think being closer to
the sun and all it'd be hot
but you'd be the asshole there.
Cold as my stepmom's dick up here.

Should've brought some food
probably
at least some mixed nuts.
I could probably catch a bird
to eat if I wanted to,
but goddamn that sounds like work.

As long as we're talking about
shit I'd do different,
I definitely would have pissed
before I left.
Damn. I'm crampin' up here, big time.
I'd whip it out but I'm worried
the shit would freeze and I'd
have like a two-mile-long icicle
hanging off my dick.
Fuck that!

I hate ballooning.
As soon as I get down I'm going
straight to the fanciest restaurant in
town and I'm going to piss
while they cook me a steak.

If that's not an option,
I'm gettin' some cornnuts.

Hopefully I didn't balloon back in time
because Ronnie owes me money
and that'd be just my fucking luck.

OK gotta go, the bear's got an idea.
If you see my balloon,
fuck you.
Nothing personal
that just means I'm still stuck up here.
Later.

Quote of the Day

“My love is like a red, red wiiiineâ€¦ go to my heaaaadâ€¦ make me forgeeetâ€¦ Wait. Sorry. My love is like a red, red roseâ€¦ just like eeeeevery night has its daaaaaw- awawaaaanâ€¦ Just like eeeevery cooowboyâ€¦ Fuck.”

-A.D.Dobbs

Fortune 500 Cookie

Clowns don't hate you, they just feel sorry for you. Your "Don't Worry, Be Slappy" series of self-help books finally broke the five-copy sales barrier this week, and just got you sued by the estate of Slappy White. This week's lucky strikes: Clover-Workers' Union, ump didn't see ball careen off batter's jock and through strike zone, killed them all while they were dreaming about killing you, threw your ex-wife's severed head down lane on accident.

Try again later.

Hottest Christmas Toy Fads

1.	Dolly Pees N' Downloads
2.	PEZac Anti-Depressant Candies
3.	Bloodbung IV for Gamecube
4.	Golidie2k2 Robotic Goldfish
5.	Virtual Bike Training Wheels Disc
6.	West Nile Elmo
7.	FunFree Learn-o-station
8.	Britney Spears' Diaphragm Madness
9.	Bob the Builder with Catcall Voice Chip
10.	Collect or Die Trading Card "Game"

Ray Manatino's Reworked Classics
Whose woods are these, I think I know. I think they belong To that guy named Joe Who lives down the street From Peggy and Ray And set his own pants On fire one day. He was sniffing lighter fluid In the dark When he lit a match And his... (4/14/03)

Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah, for charging me this late fee, Blockbuster. The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster. And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube: I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas for... (3/31/03)

Alphabet Soup
Monday, March 17, 2003 Anemic anteaters from Azerbaijan bounce from brassieres and bark at batons. Cold-water codfish cause cramps in the colon of a dark-dimpled debutante named Deborah Dedolin. East of the egg factory, eyes can... (3/17/03)