Up, Up and Away

by Tyler Swick

April 28, 2003

Up, up and away
in my beautiful balloon!
Not a sound as I
lift off the ground.
Piss on you suckers
and your ground-standing!

Goddamn there sure are a lot
of birds up here,
and not just cute ones.
I could swear some of these
birds have gonads.
Gross.

Getting kind of dizzyâ€¦
probably should have brought
a tank of oxygen or
blew some in a bag or something.
I thought there'd be more air up here,
it looked pretty airy from the ground.

Hey how'd this goddamned bear get in here?
Shit, I wish this beautiful balloon was
bigger and had a closet to hide
in or something.

Kinda cold up here too.
You'd think being closer to
the sun and all it'd be hot
but you'd be the asshole there.
Cold as my stepmom's dick up here.

Should've brought some food
probably
at least some mixed nuts.
I could probably catch a bird
to eat if I wanted to,
but goddamn that sounds like work.

As long as we're talking about
shit I'd do different,
I definitely would have pissed
before I left.
Damn. I'm crampin' up here, big time.
I'd whip it out but I'm worried
the shit would freeze and I'd
have like a two-mile-long icicle
hanging off my dick.
Fuck that!

I hate ballooning.
As soon as I get down I'm going
straight to the fanciest restaurant in
town and I'm going to piss
while they cook me a steak.

If that's not an option,
I'm gettin' some cornnuts.

Hopefully I didn't balloon back in time
because Ronnie owes me money
and that'd be just my fucking luck.

OK gotta go, the bear's got an idea.
If you see my balloon,
fuck you.
Nothing personal
that just means I'm still stuck up here.
Later.

Milestones

1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.

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Compulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.

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