Ray Manatino's Reworked Classics

by Ray Manatino

April 14, 2003

Whose woods are these,
I think I know.
I think they belong
To that guy named Joe
Who lives down the street
From Peggy and Ray
And set his own pants
On fire one day.
He was sniffing lighter fluid
In the dark
When he lit a match
And his pants caught a spark
That scorched his scrotum
And sizzled his jizz;
That's who owns them.
These woods are his.
Monday's child is a creator of farce
Tuesday's child has a stick up its arse
Wednesday's child is hooked on blow
Thursday's child always has to go
Friday's child is unforgiving
Saturday's child has to pimp for a living
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is really and truly and flamboyantly gay
Baa baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
What the fuck do you think
I'm wearing here?
Does this look like polyester
To you?
Shall I compare thee to
a summer's day?
Okay.
A summer's day is warm
and breezy.
You're 98.6, and you've
been known to pass a lot of wind.
A summer's day
is damp and humid.
You sweat like
Niagara Falls.
A summer's day
is soft and gentle, and you're
very cushy around the middle.
Also, you never yell
when someone takes all
your money.
Finally, a summer's day
is the perfect time for
a trip to the beach.
When I think of you,
I want to
drown myself.
I guess you're really
not much like a summer's day,
are you?

Quote of the Day

“There's more than one way to skin a cat. But only one reason: cat skin tacos.”

-Emil the Lonely Chef

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will become unbearably wealthy this week, and pen a beautifully-written suicide note. Donkey meat tastes just like chicken, but don't leave the hooves on unless you want your dinner guests seriously freaking out on you. This week's lucky swear words: fafuck, dickfish, shatly, bitcheese, cashit, cabbageass, shitch.

Try again later.

Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults

1.	Your tie is particularly thin
2.	Your wife likes having sex
3.	Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing
4.	What kind of name is "Gore"?
5.	We could be mistaken for twins

Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah, for charging me this late fee, Blockbuster. The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster. And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube: I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas for... (3/31/03)

Alphabet Soup
Monday, March 17, 2003 Anemic anteaters from Azerbaijan bounce from brassieres and bark at batons. Cold-water codfish cause cramps in the colon of a dark-dimpled debutante named Deborah Dedolin. East of the egg factory, eyes can... (3/17/03)

Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey like the wrath of all bananas was on your ass or like you just found out your Visa card was rejected. That's right, you ape with your little hat and jacket you thought you had it all figured out not so smug now, are... (3/3/03)