Ray Manatino's Reworked Classics

by Ray Manatino

April 14, 2003

Whose woods are these,
I think I know.
I think they belong
To that guy named Joe
Who lives down the street
From Peggy and Ray
And set his own pants
On fire one day.
He was sniffing lighter fluid
In the dark
When he lit a match
And his pants caught a spark
That scorched his scrotum
And sizzled his jizz;
That's who owns them.
These woods are his.
Monday's child is a creator of farce
Tuesday's child has a stick up its arse
Wednesday's child is hooked on blow
Thursday's child always has to go
Friday's child is unforgiving
Saturday's child has to pimp for a living
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is really and truly and flamboyantly gay
Baa baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
What the fuck do you think
I'm wearing here?
Does this look like polyester
To you?
Shall I compare thee to
a summer's day?
Okay.
A summer's day is warm
and breezy.
You're 98.6, and you've
been known to pass a lot of wind.
A summer's day
is damp and humid.
You sweat like
Niagara Falls.
A summer's day
is soft and gentle, and you're
very cushy around the middle.
Also, you never yell
when someone takes all
your money.
Finally, a summer's day
is the perfect time for
a trip to the beach.
When I think of you,
I want to
drown myself.
I guess you're really
not much like a summer's day,
are you?

Quote of the Day

“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy

Fortune 500 Cookie

All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.

Top Pants-Missing Explanations

1.	Busted out Hulk-style
2.	Told one lie too many
3.	Busted out Louie Anderson-style
4.	What, aren't you hot?
5.	Talked out of them by gay Casanova
6.	Made ass look big
7.	Donated to killer mandroid from future
8.	Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986
9.	Sat in ham
10.	You kidding? Pants are so 2002

Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah, for charging me this late fee, Blockbuster. The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster. And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube: I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas for... (3/31/03)

Alphabet Soup
Monday, March 17, 2003 Anemic anteaters from Azerbaijan bounce from brassieres and bark at batons. Cold-water codfish cause cramps in the colon of a dark-dimpled debutante named Deborah Dedolin. East of the egg factory, eyes can... (3/17/03)

Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey like the wrath of all bananas was on your ass or like you just found out your Visa card was rejected. That's right, you ape with your little hat and jacket you thought you had it all figured out not so smug now, are... (3/3/03)