Ray Manatino's Reworked Classics

by Ray Manatino

April 14, 2003

Whose woods are these,
I think I know.
I think they belong
To that guy named Joe
Who lives down the street
From Peggy and Ray
And set his own pants
On fire one day.
He was sniffing lighter fluid
In the dark
When he lit a match
And his pants caught a spark
That scorched his scrotum
And sizzled his jizz;
That's who owns them.
These woods are his.
Monday's child is a creator of farce
Tuesday's child has a stick up its arse
Wednesday's child is hooked on blow
Thursday's child always has to go
Friday's child is unforgiving
Saturday's child has to pimp for a living
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day
Is really and truly and flamboyantly gay
Baa baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
What the fuck do you think
I'm wearing here?
Does this look like polyester
To you?
Shall I compare thee to
a summer's day?
Okay.
A summer's day is warm
and breezy.
You're 98.6, and you've
been known to pass a lot of wind.
A summer's day
is damp and humid.
You sweat like
Niagara Falls.
A summer's day
is soft and gentle, and you're
very cushy around the middle.
Also, you never yell
when someone takes all
your money.
Finally, a summer's day
is the perfect time for
a trip to the beach.
When I think of you,
I want to
drown myself.
I guess you're really
not much like a summer's day,
are you?

Quote of the Day

“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”

-Dred Scott Drummond

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.

Try again later.

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4.	Uncle Macho's Pure Stallion Dog Food
5.	Me vs. the Turkey Vulture: How the Turkey Vulture Cheated

Curses
I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah, for charging me this late fee, Blockbuster. The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster. And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube: I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas for... (3/31/03)

Alphabet Soup
Monday, March 17, 2003 Anemic anteaters from Azerbaijan bounce from brassieres and bark at batons. Cold-water codfish cause cramps in the colon of a dark-dimpled debutante named Deborah Dedolin. East of the egg factory, eyes can... (3/17/03)

Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey like the wrath of all bananas was on your ass or like you just found out your Visa card was rejected. That's right, you ape with your little hat and jacket you thought you had it all figured out not so smug now, are... (3/3/03)