Astral Spies

Someone, somewhere will be watching you get undressed tonight. True! And not on pirated closed-circuit television or other such Big Brotherly technological nightmare, either, your fears have been as misplaced as the cap from a tube of Anusal. Unless, of course, your landlord has drilled a hole in your floor through which he has inserted a tiny fiber-optic camera, which he can rotate by hand. If that's the case, then yes, your nakedness is all over the Internet by now. And I might suggest a more sincere dedication to physical fitness in the future, for God's green sake.

But for the rest of us, it's not some high-tech boogeyman that should be keeping us up at night, clutching our covers in fright. It's the good old-fashioned boogeymen of astral projecting adolescent shut-ins who drift through our walls unseen like horny ghosts at all hours of the day and night. I don't care if you're a brick house in literal size, not everyone fancies rail-thin supermodel types or even people with symmetrical features. Bumperstickered denials aside, some just dig on fatties.

Teens are the one segment of our society who have far too much time on their hands and who, unlike retirees, have not yet discovered golf. Most teens fill this surfeit of free time with sex, drugs and cow tipping. But many of those cut off from these time-killing endeavors by a lack of social graces or surplus of intelligence have turned to investigating the occult and such socially-discouraged practices as astral projection, lucid dreaming and reading.

Many have feared the observation of their innermost secrets by extra-terrestrials perched upon the moon, using telescopic devices. No doubt, several popular songs have been written on the subject. Extra-terrestrials on the moon? Well who do you think lives there, Smurfs? Don't be crazy.

However, if the extra-terrestrials on the moon are famous for one thing (besides scaring the holy Jesus out of astronauts in comical ways), it's their poor eyesight. They can no more see what you're burying in your backyard than you can see their moon-dirt sandcastles or mermaids (moonmaidens?) that bear a striking resemblance to earth's own Anna Nicole Smith.

No, the major problem that faces us today are these astral-cruising teens. With little regard for locked doors or "Do Not Enter: Naked Zone" signs, they flit about our private residences like moths in a pickle jar. You can line your walls with lead, or its popular substitute, aluminum foil, but it will slow them down not one bit. Drenching the foyer with chicken blood or nailing a cow's tongue to your front door: again, fun hobbies that have little preventative effect on these astral trespassers.

The Pentagon itself has gone to great lengths to study this very problem, as astral-projecting teens had been leaving all of their confidential documents oily and stained for years. And what is worse, they never put the caps back on the 2-liters of cola when they're done. Thankfully for the Pentagon, the average American teen is about as articulate as an autistic and has the credibility of a porn actress embarking on a singing career, so no sensitive information was ever dangerously compromised. However, the mere fact of this security loophole irked the higher-ups, men who are not fond of being irked.

For years they experimented with high-tech solutions: bombarding the atmosphere with ions, importing Tibetan monks to chant and create barriers of sound vibration, and painting the whole building black to make it hard to navigate in the dark. However, in the end they found the most effective method was simply to leave one room empty and to cover its walls with dorm room posters of popular cheesecake factories such as Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra and Shelley Duvall. This didn't keep the teens out, mind you, but they tended to spend all of their time in the poster room and therefore stayed away from the sensitive governmental information.

This selfsame government-developed technology can be put to use in your own home, for a minimal expense in beat-off posters and double-sided tape. And if you have a son, using his room for the experiment will gain you a friend for life. Keep any old people you might own out of this room, however, as they may both scare off the teens and run up outrageous long-distance bills trying to call Bill Murray and Harold Ramis for help from inside the closet.

A Return to Niceness
Voluminous volumes have been scribed about the decay of American moral values in the last 30 years. And one can hardly blame the writers. A quick peek through your wrought-iron window grills confirms the truth: it's mean out there. Where once... (3/3/03)