Alphabet Soup

by Skippy LeBonne

March 17, 2003

Monday, March 17, 2003

Anemic anteaters
from Azerbaijan
bounce from brassieres
and bark at batons.
Cold-water codfish cause
cramps in the colon of a
dark-dimpled debutante
named Deborah Dedolin.
East of the egg factory, eyes can enjoy
fat-fingered Francophiles
fasting in festive Flournoy.

"Great!" gabbed the grouse-eating Gregory Gregross.
"How homey, a heart heals in the hearths of hosts."
Incredulous Incans inspect his inflection while
judicious Japanese gents make joking suggestions.
Kiss-kindling Kansans knit knives in a knot as
laconic Laotians look lazy a lot.

Merely making mention of meatloaf as he might
Nicholas Nanewton needs news of the night:
"Only obliging an orange or one oatâ€¦
perhaps peas, persimmons, parsley? Please promote
quietly, quaintly and quite quick the quality of radishes and rubarb and ruffled red roe!
Salmon swim stateside and slip slightly slow
through thoughts that trip toward the tip of my toe,
underneath unusual ulcers until or unless
venomous vitamins vent my vile stress."

Wouldn't we want well-worded wishes which
examine such exciting expository expertise on dishes?
"Yes, young Yertle, yesterday you might. Yet
zebras zipping zeppelins is too much. Goodnight."

Quote of the Day

“God help them that help themselves to my lemony cookies, for they is to be sorrowing at the whup I be borrowing from they ass.”

-Benji "Cookie Monster" Franklin

Fortune 500 Cookie

Love is a relative term, but even that nugget won't save your ass if you pork your cousin. Stay away from salty snacks this week, even if it means tunneling underground. Try wearing your watch on the other armâ€”maybe that's your problem. This week's lucky names: Alexia. Ephyn. Scatman. Toolio.

Try again later.

Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations

1.	Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.	Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.	Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.	Dosed with Nyquilâ€”during daylight hours!
5.	Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.	Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.	Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.	Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.	Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.	Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"

Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey like the wrath of all bananas was on your ass or like you just found out your Visa card was rejected. That's right, you ape with your little hat and jacket you thought you had it all figured out not so smug now, are... (3/3/03)

The Walrus Said
The time has come, the walrus said, to smoke a box of crack. Fucking walrus! Stay out of my drug box, and you're standing on my sack! Don't make me cook you in hot whale oil for absconding with my stash! Your constant questions ... (2/17/03)

The Truth About Ice Cubes
I've heard ice cubes scream like unpleasant human beings when I dunk them into my drink. I'd say they're alive, don't you think? Formed in their trays like a nursery, living their lives brief and cursory, but is everything quite what it... (2/3/03)