The King of the Road (Part 2)

Author's note: In preceding chapters, returning King Luthor of Kuntnose finds his kingdom in the hands of the evil dark enemy Rupert. Fleeing the kingdom with his loyal knight and drinking buddy Sir Bainbridge, Luthor of Kuntnose befriends a group of unique warriors and heroes: Linux, the dark leprechaun; Feedle, the big-boned dwarf; the ancient wizard GiGijerod; and GiGijerod's dog, Farts. Together the band of valiant heroes seek the kingdom of Hooscow, and the dark castle of Oogh, in hopes they can find the source of power for the evil dark enemy Rupert and break his hold on Luthor's kingdom.

"Behold!" yelled Luthor of Kuntnose, when he spied the road ahead becoming a rocky, steeply-inclined path.

"Yeah, we see it," said sarcastic Linux. "Great balls of fire! Do my eyes deceive me or is it the cave den of Dromach, the hell beast?"

"No, your eyes deceive you," said GiGijerod in his crackling, tired voice. "It is Volcano Mountain."

"Ah. My mistake."

"Volcano Mountain!" declared Bainbridge repetitively. "My liege, none who enter Volcano Mountain ever come out alive!"

"I see. Is there any chance it is simply so good inside everyone who enters decides to live there forever voluntarily?" asked the King.

"I highly doubt that." GiGijerod sat upon a rock, using his staff as some sort of walking staff for balancing. "Volcano Mountain is a well of the hottest lava you could ever conceive of. And since regular lava is hot enough to kill us, you can imagine the extra hot lava is no good either. And I haven't even mentioned the countless dark things that dwell within, waiting to rend human flesh from bone."

"Well, now you've mentioned it." Linux started to walk away. "You know, I'm not really an instrumental part of this quest anyway, so I would prefer be off."

"Stay, good Linux," said Luthor of Kuntnose. "For our valiancy will be rewarded. Oh, good GiGijerod, default wise man on this journey of ours, tell us how we might conquer the forces of evil inside Volcano Mountain? Or bypass them. Bypassing is good as well."

"I fear there is no way," creaked GiGijerod. "The road you are king of leads straight into the heart of the monster. To pursue this road any further is to seek to overcome impossible odds with only minor weapons of steel and wood, and the strongest of hearts."

"Perchance, and just hear me out," began Bainbridge, "is there any other way we can go without taking the road through the mountain?"

"Well," said GiGijerod, scratching his noggin, "I suppose we could take the gravel path of gold and down into the Flower Valley, where dwell rabbits, chipmunks, and promiscuous tropical girls with a disdain for clothing. But it would put us off our journey by another thirty minutes."

Luthor of Kuntnose shrugged. "I'm game. Flower Valley, everyone?"

And lo, our heroes gallantly side-stepped certain doom within the volcanic netherworld.

Fluffiest Gable
Gleenex hopped spritefully into the meadow. It was large, full, and green, like an Incredible Hulk sated on a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. He saw a group of rabbits playing in the distance, mostly hopping, which was the extent of rabbit... (2/17/03)

The Sunflower Seedlings
The grass was scrapey as it struggled to escape the ground and clawed at the legs of all who ran through it in tiny shorts. In tiny shorts on this occasion were the two little girls. Biffy was frail and waif-like, a gentle sunflower stretching to... (2/3/03)

The Tell-Tale Cell Phone
TRUE! I am shitting bricks like some kind of gigantic house-building robot, but does that make me crazy? Fuck you if you say I'm crazy! Fuck you and all of your crazy-saying friends! Fuck you right in the antelope! Yeah, I'm crazy like the bionic... (1/20/03)

That Was School, This is the Theater
My name's Horsebutt. That's a weird name, I know, but my parents was kinda weird. They named my oldest brother Pugsley and my other oldest brother Seltzer. I got two other brothers, one named Ipso-Facto and the last one named some unpronounceable... (1/6/03)