Howdy, America, and greetings from the land of prepaid calling cards. What could be more convenient than dialing eight thousand digits before making a long distance call? Nothing could! So why don't we all run out and buy an MCI prepaid calling card today? What's that? Well, you do whatever the hell you want; I'm buying a prepaid calling card. When your phone bill comes in the mail and you've got to drive around all night trying to find a place to buy stamps to mail it back in, we'll see who's laughing. Asshole.

Meanwhile, we're here taking a look at the best Hollywood has to offer. But before you say anything too harsh, remember that Hollywood has had a drinking problem for a while now and it's doing the best it can. So let's take a look at what they heaved behind our azaleas this week:


In Theaters



Cherdevil

The big hoopla this week is obviously about the release of this highly-anticipated comic book geek-out that fans have been waiting for since before they had a favorite brand of pimple cream. The concept is simple enough: Ben "Silver Spoons" Affleck plays a man who's a drag-queening Cher impersonator by day, camel-toed spandex superhero by night. Actually, I think drag queens mostly operate at night, too, so maybe it's the other way around: superhero by day, Cher look-alike by night. This poses an obvious problem, since most criminals operate by night as well, I guess because they're either sleeping or running Fortune 500 companies during the day. So while Affleck's out believing in life after love on the club scene all night, old ladies are getting mugged left and right and somebody's stealing all the dirt from under New York City or whatever. And during the day, all there is to do is catch tax cheats and people that jaywalk and don't tip parking valets. So everybody basically hates the guy, plus his spandex get-up leaves far too little to the imagination, so the parents' groups and gay pride gangs are all after his ass all the time. Luckily he has the fabulous club life to escape to at night, where he's a star and he doesn't have to listen to people complain about how he's the only superhero who doesn't validate parking.



How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days

Another film in the growing trend of weight-loss and diet movies that are becoming increasingly popular these days. While I can't argue against the fact that the market is there, since Americans are so fat the Rocky Mountains keep getting taller every year, I'm not sure how many more of these movies I can sit through. After the early successes of such films as The Dead Zone Diet and You've Got to Fight For Your Right to Eat Right For Your Blood Type, Hollywood has really gone hog wild with a shitty stream of knock-offs: The Schwarzenegger All-Beef Diet, My Big Fat Gross Ass, Steven Seagal Kicks the Shit Out of Carbohydrates andThe Eat Like Ringo Starr in Caveman Diet. This one is more of the same. Matthew McConaughey does a good job acting fat, and then acting not-fat, but I still think he'll lose out on the fat/not-fat Oscar to Rush Limbaugh, who's been making acting fat look effortless for years.



The Jungle Book 2

The gut-wrenching sequel to Upton Sinclair's tell-all book about the meatpacking industry in Chicago is a surprise release from Disney this year. One would think the public outcry after the first film (a harrowing montage of loveable bears, tigers and baboobs being processed into bologna sandwiches) would have scared the company off. Or at least would have convinced them to sell-out on the sequel, making it all about singing roast beefs and the happy times at the meatpacking plant. But you've got to hand it to that giant mouse; he's gone straight for the jugular again with another melee of carnage that'll turn your stool pink. You have to wonder about the product tie-in deals for this movie, though, are kids really going to be clamoring for the McBaloo burger once they realize they're chewing on some loveable singing bear's ass? And as good as the film is, the title really is pretty unforgivably heavy-handed. I hate when they have to beat us over the head with the fact that a movie is adapted from a book, but I guess it's only fair since nobody reads anymore. I hear watching movies that are inspired by books counts for college credits these days, which I think is an improvement on the old system.



Well, that's all they gave us to work with this time around, unless they snuck another teen slasher movie by while nobody was manning the store. We'll be back in two more weeks, just as long as Hollywood keeps pumping out the movies the way Shakey's turns out the pizza: hot 'n nasty.

February 3, 2003
Well Hop on Pop, it's time for another installment of Entertainment Police. I guess we just couldn't hold it in any longer. Feast your eyes (and if you really are, literally, feasting your eyes, drop me an email because that sounds freaky as hell... (2/3/03)

January 20, 2003
Alright, who ordered the crap? Oh, it's you! America! Well, here you go then: In Theaters Darkness Falls I have to admit I was pretty scared going into this one until I realized that the bad... (1/20/03)

January 6, 2003
Hot damn, America!

Against all odds we're back for another year of Entertainment Police love. Few would have thought we'd last this long, and most of them also believe in unicorns and platonic friendships. But here we are, in the abstract... (1/6/03)

December 23, 2002
S'up, America? Roland McC here, bringing you the movie review love. Right, like you thought it was suddenly going to be Jules Verne or something. Not this week. This week, it's all about the pinnacle of the movie season, the two-week movie release... (12/23/02)

December 9, 2002
Hello, Young America! Time to saddle up and get on the Entertainment Train one more time, and this time we're going to ride it all the way to Not Wasting Your Money City. I hope you brought plenty of trail mix and travel Yahtzee and stuff,... (12/9/02)