The Walrus Said

by Chase Spergen

February 17, 2003

The time has come,
the walrus said,
to smoke a box of crack.

Fucking walrus!
Stay out of my drug box,
and you're standing on my sack!

Don't make me cook you
in hot whale oil
for absconding with my stash!

Your constant questions
and oblique riddles
are giving me a rash!

The time has come,
the walrus said,
to eat some more grilled cheese.

Fuck you walrus!
You ate all my red hots!
Now get out of the refrigerator please!

You weren't invited!
You are not wanted!
Just take a hint and leave!

And don't think I can't
see you over there,
blowing your nose on my sleeve!

The time has come,
the walrus said,
to watch Cannonball Run 2.

We just watched that!
You must be joking!
I cannot believe you!

Get out of my apartment,
you fucking moocher!
I've really had enough!

And don't forget
your sleeping bag
that smells like ocean stuff!

Get the fuck out!
Flop toward the door!
Take your big teeth and leave!

I'm serious,
that fishy stench
is enough to make me heave!

The time has come
the walrus said,
to prank call Emilio Estavez.

Goddamn you walrus!
Didn't you hear
a single word I said?

I said to go!
I said to split!
I sai- Now hold up, son.

On second thought,
toss me the phone.
That sounds kind of fun.

Milestones

1985: Ramrod Hurley flim-flams his way into the studio for the recording of We Are the World. Though his subversive lyrics go unsung, Hurley's taser-induced squeal can be heard two minutes into the track, a sound previously attributed to Cyndi Lauper.

Now Hiring

Conductor. General musical duties as expected: bossing around, waving arms, taking care of stick. Also needed to close gap in circuit between air conditioning unit and power main. Seeking an electric personality who loves going barefoot. Lack of close relatives or body hair a plus.

Worst Country Songs Ever

1.	She Left Me for an African-American
2.	I Don't Feel Like Drinkin'
3.	Here's a Quarter, Go Buy Some Bubblegum
4.	What's the Capital of Tennessee Again?
5.	If Anyone Needs Me, I'll be Down at the Nail Salon
6.	Regretfulness is the Hardest Word to Spell
7.	Mama Didn't Raise No Episcopalians
8.	I'm So Lonesome I Could Call an Escort Service
9.	I Got This Hat on Sale
10.	You Mispronounced My Name for the Very Last Time

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