01/9/25
Ugly like an Eskimo, but fun at parties
|   Comrade: Q Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the back of the bus, harangued the other passengers with tales of doom. "Judge not, lest ye be judged, you pack of self-absorbed assholes," he screamed. "God hates you all!" 1959. Patrick Henry of Infected Hooter, the most shamefully named town in America, was born. Henry, named after George Washington, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and a complete bastard. He was first a failure as a baby, then as an infant. He fared no better as a teenager, and his adulthood proved equally disappointing. "This is a bus of the damned!" he cried, projecting his own fears and inadequacies onto those others. "Heed well my warning! You are a failure in life, but then a brilliant success as a tormented soul in the bowels of hell!" The passengers ignored him, as they always did, for he was a complete bastard. Oily and pungent, his presence induced shudders in all but the hardiest of souls. His face was clean-shaven, but the hairs on his neck grew long and thick. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a valium. "The Lord has always taken an anti-humanity stance, most famously in his denunciation of men, women and children," Henry said. "Now if you'll excuse me, this is my stop." Henry emerged from the bus. The sun shone bright in his yellow eyes. He squinted. In the library, Henry read a history book aloud. "Benjamin Franklin committed suicide after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the bucketload and the British attempt to collect them by using the latest in advanced computer technology." He tried to buy the book, but the librarian told him he was in a library, and they didn't do that. "Bullshit," he said. "No, really." "Well, how do you make money, for crying out loud?" The librarian just looked at him. As she did so, a man in a dark overcoat crept up behind Henry and stealthily removed his wallet from his pocket. The librarian smiled. "We get by." Henry left the library. Thinking about his life, it dawned on him that his true calling was to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the line at Smuggler Busters Training Academy for over two hours, then gave up. "I'm a failure," he said from the back of the bus. "I'm like one of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "quotation marks". You know, how they'll use one when they should use two, and use two when they should use one". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of long lines at Smuggler Busters Training Academy and the raising of the lights in the very dark building. Staffers attempted to inform him that he wasn't a member of the Continental Congress, but he had none of it. He was a firebrand demanding national appreciation of all the hard work and long hours he logged at the Congress, as seen in his self-made documentary. Eventually, he was removed from the building. "I'll show 'em. I'll win 'em over when I give my speech at an extralegal session of the Congress," he said to no one in particular. Three days later, he approached the Congress, speech in hand. Guards wouldn't let him in the building. "You'll pay for this!" he shouted. He took the lead in raising hell at all hours of the night outside the home of Congressional head William Stanley. "Hell no, I won't go!" he chanted. "I'm on a mission to overthrow the royal assholes in control of the Congress, don't you know." He banged away on the one-man-band set-up he'd brought with him. In order to be rid of him, the Congress declared war against Belgium and drafted Henry as the lone soldier they would send over. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times more annoying than he ever was before. The army of Belgium eventually strapped his ass to a rocket and fired it into his home state of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged all who would listen to get up out of their chairs and go make him a sandwich already. One-man-band in tow, he paraded up and down the street at the crack of dawn, banging his drum, honking his horn, and declaring himself "the rooster of the technological era." Learning of the property and rights of the rich, he began to frequent will readings, hoping against hope that the deceased would name either a "Patrick" or a "Henry" so that he could swoop in and claim what he felt was rightfully his. This worked only once, when an Edith Plympton willed a "Henry" ownership of her thirty-seven dachshunds. Henry claimed the dogs, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new country he was trying to establish just south of Topeka. "Wienerdoggia," he wanted to call it. But despite his best efforts, the government refused to allow him to secede. Henry was fed up, and he bitterly opposed his supporters. He reviled the U.S. government as a threat to the liberties of wiener dogs everywhere. "Snobs!" he shouted in the middle of a crowded supermarket. "Elitist pigs!" Henry spent his final days demanding a reshoot for his decades-old yearbook photo, which he never liked. Right up until the day he died, he fought for the liberation of wiener dogs everywhere and the rights of the lefties. Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the fuckwad capitol of the world. Yeah, you heard me. Patrick Henry of all the lowdown stinking bastards to go parading around with two first names. What has he ever done that was so great? People are always like, "Oh, Patrick Henry , one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and weight. Like that fucking means anything. He was first a failure as a leader and orator, but then a brilliant success as a failure. I hate Patrick Henry. You know what? He once asked me to loan him five bucks, and he never paid me back. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a hasty trip overseas. Fucking pussy. He always adopted this cowardly stance, most famously in his denunciation of Avril Lavigne, who everybody hates anyway. Man, what a statement. That boner got drunk after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the fact that he never paid back the money people loaned him, and the British attempt to collect them by using the threat of forcing him to watch endless airings of "What Not To Wear" didn't faze him. His dumb ass loved that show. Honest to God. I've heard he likes to kick puppies and throw babies off of tall buildings. Seriously, it's in the paper. You can look it up. He sometimes hangs around airports fondling young women. He always gets arrested, and he always says he's just trying to do his part in helping to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the White House lawn to protest laws preventing the widespread availability of child porn. I've got that one on good authority. Quit looking at me like that. I'm just telling it like it is. That bastard was of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "people". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of your mother and the raising of his own salary. He was a firebrand demanding national taxes on oxygen, as seen in his A&E Biography. He once got heckled during his speech at an extralegal session of the local PTA in Kenosha, Wisconsin. So what did he do? He started crying! He was like, "If you don't want to hear my speech, I'm not gonna give it to you!" What a wiener. He took the lead in raising his kids, for like a day. Then he drove them out to Idaho and LEFT THEM THERE. This dick tried to overthrow the royal Rumble. I mean he jumped the rail and tried to get in the ring. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times heard to say, "Christ, I love the smell of death!" He once deflowered a twelve-year-old by the name of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged everyone he owed money to, to keep away from him. He cheated people out of the property and rights of . . . I'm at a loss for words. I really am. If Patrick Henry was here right now, he'd probably be running down minorities, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new slave countries of his white man's paradise. And, and, and he bitterly opposed everyone around him as a threat to the liberties of those in debt and the rights of the people who just need some time to get their finances straightened out first. Comrade: Ratel Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the kabui tradition. Patrick Henry of Patrick Henry's Vermont, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and the total lack of fiber in his diet. He was first a failure as a success, then a success as a failure. Finally finding his niche as a trans-atlantic fuck-up, he was often featured on network television when he would dash in front of the camera and dry-hump anything that wasn't nailed down. Despite his Herculean efforts, his hairdo was a failure as a beehive, but then a brilliant success as a rat's nest. He prided himself on kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but it was hardly more than a vain fantasy as he bruised easily and could not chew gum without choking due to a sensitive epiglottis. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a shit, which is hard to do in events, and this brought him as many fans as ass-beaters. When threatened he assumed a "Bullshit Karate Kid" stance, most famously in his denunciation of the neighborhood karate bully, Fat Ed. Surprisingly, he even continued to eat scrolls containing laws and tariffs even after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the sheriffs, and he depressed the bitches who impressed him as witches. In his spare time he collected the tops off of individual servings of applesauce and the British attempt to collect them by using the metric system pissed him off to no end, because he was raised on the system of impets and gilders. When pressed on the issue, he was okay with the government using reckless bursts of machine-gun fire to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the way of progress when ever possible. You know the type. Always one of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "Nigel". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of Generals. No one had bothered to tell him that the Continental Congress had broken up hundreds of years ago. He thought it was a club for people who drove the same Lincoln as he. While we're on the subject, he was easily frightened and opposed scary faces and the raising of voices. He was a firebrand demanding national nicknames for everyone, and recognition of his nifty one: firebrand. He often got hickeys from stuffing his fat ass into the bathtub, as seen in his tasteful nude portrait photo-essays for the local elementary school's paper. He was a proud member and often gave an above-reproach speech at an extralegal session of the "Not Doing Anything Wrong Committee." Though sometimes, on the way to the meetings, he peed in mailboxes. He took the lead in raising hell on Run-DMC's infamous tour, a surprise to some. His private dream was to overthrow the royal pain in the ass, Duke Dickner. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times a lady, but don't ask about it and he won't tell. Though he's never been there, he finds himself unbearably tired of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged all over the back of Princess Di's best evening gown, though that evidence never came to light during his trial. He often got excited when hearing of the property and rights of Eskimos. Nobody knew what his thing with Eskimos was all about. He often lost friends and impartial bystanders while talking passionately of Eskimos, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new Iceland, since they apparently liked the cold. He stuck fast to his convictions, and he bitterly opposed being told that there was no such thing as "the new Iceland." He once filed a restraining order against Saltine crackers as a threat to the liberties of libertines, which got him his own talk show. Predictably, he dedicated it to Eskimos, and the rights of the igloo-less. If you enjoyed this biography and would like to commission one of your own, please send $39.95 to Groatner Press, Cocklenock, NJ 02157 . Comrade: Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the extreme. Patrick Henry of all the lowdown stinking bastards to go parading around with two first names. What has he ever done that was so great? Pardon this upcoming misplaced comma. Sure he was, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and weight. Like that fucking means anything. He was first a failure as a leader and orator, but then a brilliant success as a failure. I hate Patrick Henry. You know what? He once asked me to loan him five bucks, and he never paid me back. No matter how much I whined and cried, not once did I ever get that five back. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a hasty trip overseas. Fucking pussy. He always adopted this cowardly stance, most famously in his denunciation of Avril Lavigne, who everybody hates anyway. Man, what a statement. That boner got drunk after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the Sheriff of Nottingham, but has never had any viewpoint on real-world politics at all. I always said that this is why he never caught on as a leader. And as an orator? Forget it! This guy's voice cracks more than Kurt Cobain's after five hours of primal scream therapy. And the stamps? This guy loved his stamps. What a dork. He's always all, " and the British attempt to collect them by using the and to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of and the raising of . He was a firebrand demanding national , as seen in his speech at an extralegal session of the in . He took the lead in raising to overthrow the royal . During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged of the property and rights of , arguing that they would make good citizens of the new , and he bitterly opposed as a threat to the liberties of and the rights of the . Comrade: Messiahblue Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the corridor. Patrick Henry of revolutionary veneration, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and liberation. He was first a failure as a fink and a fraud, but then a brilliant success as a wink and a nod. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a rebel's stance, most famously in his denunciation of the King's parlance after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the royalists and the British attempt to collect them by using the loyalists and the skiddish to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the way of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "those hunnish jugglers". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of tax on tea and the raising of less laxity. He was a firebrand demanding national debate, as seen in his short speech at an extralegal session of the states, in ate. He took the lead in raising desire to overthrow the royal divinia. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times pride of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged rights of the property and rights of a proper tea, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new adventure, and he bitterly opposed lynching as a threat to the liberties of the masses and the rights of the soon debentured. Comrade: Messiahblue Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the campaign for 2 first names. Patrick Henry of subway fame, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and gender. He was first a failure as a fry cook and bovine hemorrhoid inspector, but then a brilliant success as a proto-zionist and cowchip thrower. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a proctologic stance, most famously in his denunciation of large fingered doctors after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the pesky redskins and the British attempt to collect them by using the bait and switch method to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the outhouse of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "liberty". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of suisschard and the raising of male "house" ponies. He was a firebrand demanding national inbreeding, as seen in his mother is like apple pie speech at an extralegal session of the hide the sausage in sis and ma convention. He took the lead in raising his dick to overthrow the royal crown of heterogamy. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times the buggerer of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged spreading of the property and rights of primo nocte, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new humanism, and he bitterly opposed vivisection as a threat to the liberties of free range fetal pigs and the rights of the pork is pride society. Comrade: cisco3600 Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the world-renowned San Francisco Mime Troupe, was working on the railroad. There was lightning in his eyes and honey in his hips. Patrick Henry of raisins was not fond. Mr. Henry, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and handy with a lemming in a tight corner. He was first a failure as a large, green navigational buoy and shuttle bus, but then a brilliant success as a riding pony and industrial sealant. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a piss, and sometimes (often midstream) he would break down in to a three-point stance, most famously in his denunciation of the cabbage trade, sometime after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the decree to enact decretory orders dictating the appointment of commands previously issued in compliance with aforementioned requisite demands. He was intrigued by his nostril hairs and the British attempt to collect them by using the precise, high-speed control of a robotic arm attached to a deep-sea submersible. He later voluntarily submitted his nose hairs when he learned that boys and girls all over the world would use them to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the zephyr, pipes in hand, on a height of naked pastureland; in all the country he did command He saw no smoke and he saw no roof. That was well! and he stamped a hoof. Anyway, he remained haunted by the smell of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "Columbia". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of specifics and the raising of the Kursk. He was a firebrand demanding national geographic include more topless photos of South African Ndebele tribes women. They were pretty hot, as seen in his eyes. He repeatedly insisted that snails have the power of speech at an extralegal session of the Polynesian Pig Humper's Liberation Front, in case you were wondering. He took the lead in raising arizona, only to cede the role later on to Nicholas Cage after considerable pressure and taunting from studio executives. Continued failure in Hollywood precipitated his attempt to overthrow the royal tenenbaum's premier party. Crazy bastard. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times stronger than steel and ate the entire state of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged people to scream at the elderly. "What of the property and rights of of mice, that somehow get trapped in my woodworking vice?" he insisted. He adopted the adult population of New Guinea, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new terrarium in his hallway. Patrick was an oily man, and , and he bitterly opposed opposition. He considered it his duty to serve as as a threat to the liberties of schoolchildren and the rights of the the chronically moist. Comrade: briangoblin Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the first season of the popular television show "Podium? I Hardly Know Him!", quit the show after the producers refused to change the title. For five years he wandered the lonely streets of Hollywood. Dirty and disheveled, he braved the harsh elements, the wind and the rain. Wolves snapped at his heels. Survival didn't come easy in this hard land, and roles were few and far between. Patrick Henry of all people, the former star of such box office hits as the stirring actioner FIGHTER PILOTS ARE COOL and the shocking drama WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JESSICA?, one of the most recognizable and beloved faces in America, was reduced to utter obscurity on the mean streets of Filmland. He got by for a while on bit parts in direct-to-video films like HARD WOMEN LIKE IT HARDER and SUMMER CAMP ISN'T SO MUCH FUN WHEN YOU HAVE A SUCKING CHEST WOUND. Undoubtedly, his low point was hosting a video compendium of real life death scenes called DEATH IS FUNNY. But just when things looked their bleakest, he met Skeezer Pshaw. Pshaw, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and typical of figures of the revolutionary generation. He'd fought long and hard so that Hollywood could secede from the rest of the Union. He was first a failure as a hitman for the Vatican and unlicensed obstetrician, but then a brilliant success as a summer blockbuster filmmaker and self-hypnotist. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a buffalo stance, most famously in his denunciation of the shrubs and leafy greens that catering seemed to mistake for food. "Is it too much to get a goddamn club sandwich around here?" he was quoted as saying in Variety, which would be the only magazine in Hollywood that would still be published after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the King of America and his lovely wife, and the British attempt to collect them by using the calcinator death ray obtained on the cheap from a smack-addicted Ro-Man. Ah, Ro-Man, now there was a character. See, he'd come to Earth because he was tired of the stifled, emotionless existence that was forced upon natives of the planet Ro-Man by the ruling Ro-Man Empire. Yearning to feel, to laugh, and to love, he landed his flying saucer in sunny Los Angeles with the hope of starting his life anew. He wanted a life of romance and action. He longed to make passionate love to a fair-haired beauty beneath the moonlight, to journey to faraway lands and see sights heretofore unseen, to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the doorway of his saucer, deeply inhaling the rich Earthly atmosphere and dreaming of a brighter tomorrow, when he was immediately confronted by a drug peddler. Realizing that this would be the first of many new experiences, he eagerly and gleefully butchered the dealer and took all of his drugs. Things went rapidly and predictably downhill from there. But we've gotten ourselves sidetracked. Hell, I'm supposed to be talking about Patrick Henry. Pshaw recognized him, picked him up off the street, and urged him to join his revolutionary cause. "Look at how America allows its former celebrities to be treated," he said. Henry quickly agreed, and was vocal as one of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "accents". "They sound so snobby," he said. "Like they're better than you". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of America and the raising of sea level. He was a firebrand demanding national anthems be eliminated from all sporting events, as seen in his "Fuck the Star Spangled Banner" speech at an extralegal session of the Additional Continental Congress in Alsotown. He took the lead in raising the hungry dead to overthrow the royal pains in the ass that were the collective members of United States government. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times , five times, five times WCW champion of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged Ro-Man to clean himself up and start over again. Pshaw had taken an interest in Ro-Man, and was looking into the issues of the property and rights of his life story. "It'll be the next big blockbuster," he told Henry. "We'll scrub it up, clean it off, and warm the hearts of the citizens of Hollywood." Two old men, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new Hollywood, were quickly savaged by the drug-crazed alien, and Henry had to talk him down. Ro-Man, realizing what he'd become, agreed to go into rehab, and would allow Pshaw to make a film based on his life. Ro-Man was given a list of actors interested in playing him, and he bitterly opposed Pshaw's number-one choice of Ben Affleck. Meanwhile, Patrick Henry was executed as a threat to the liberties of the young and the rights of the the restless. Comrade: Hippie Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the fridge. Patrick Henry of the West Side Henrys, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and asexual. He was first a failure as a winner and loser, but then a brilliant success as a Fuller brush man and desert topping. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a dump in the library when no one was looking, then pretended to be all shocked in his "wha the fuck?" stance, most famously in his denunciation of enunciation after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the Tariff Sheriff and the British attempt to collect them by using the phone book to locate people's houses and shake them by their ankles until all the money fell out. Unsurprisingly, he went to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the rain waiting for a bus that never came, sick of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "moptops". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of boys and the raising of hay-ell. He was a firebrand demanding national busfare, as seen in his "What if You Could Use Self-Hypnotism to Give Yourself the Motivation You've Always Desired and Make Yourself Impervious to Fire" speech at an extralegal session of the Super Friends picnic in the Gazebo and Parrymont Town Park in North Carolina. He took the lead in raising HAY-ell to overthrow the royal douchebag Raoul Dunkin. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times a lady and the hairiest peach-picker of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged himself into a cornfield, oblivious of the property and rights of cornfield owner Storf Hooperbladt, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new New Cornfield, his cornfield-founded town, and he bitterly opposed soap as a threat to the liberties of his earnest and hard-working body funk, and the rights of the little girl, punk. Comrade: Jazzsoda Patrick Henry, leader and orator in the worst sense of the word. We're not even exaggerating. What a dick. Patrick Henry of course, you remember him from the summer party, when he pretended like he had carbon monoxide poisoning and made an ass of himself. His claim that he was a super-dog, a miracle on earth, one of the great figures of the revolutionary generation, was both typical of his age and asshole personality. He was first a failure as a crossing guard and an emergency medic and pediatrician, both on the same afternoon, but then a brilliant success as a coroner, defendant and orange jumpsuit model. In the events that led to the Revolution he took a "Ringo was the Genius Beatle" stance, most famously in his denunciation of Keith Moon, who was never a Beatle of any kind. He later pretended to have a neurological disorder that compelled him to kick everything in sight, known to his doctors as the Kick Act, which dominated his time after the passage of the Stamp Act. He opposed tariffs imposed by the King of Rice Krispies and the British attempt to collect them by using the inner tubings of his ears as a staging ground for their battles. He was famous in the "Home" for singing into a rubber hose attached to his belly button and using secret knowledge obtained through his conversations with piles of hair in the barber shop to apprehend and punish smugglers. He stood in the shitter, actually physically in the toilet itself, when he was feeling lonely. He wasn't alone in his morning yell-fests, many in the home spent their mornings yelling, but he was always the only one of those calling for united action by all the colonies against the British "Ding Dong Mascots". In the Continental Congress he backed such actions as the general boycott of the argument that he wasn't in the Continental Congress at all and the raising of children, period. He was a firebrand demanding national fire sales favoring his brand of fire and his brand only, as seen in his self-directed fire commercials, which were seen only by him and his stuffed dolphin, Xavier. He will always be remembered for his speech at an extralegal session of the Spare Lawyers Association in the town of Extra York. He took the lead in raising ostriches, trouncing the competition, and planned to use them to to overthrow the royal Crown family, of cola fame. During the war and its immediate aftermath he was five times more likely to be beat with a mop by orderlies than anyone else from or not from the state of Virginia. Yet after the war Henry urged "healing time" and usurption of the property and rights of the winners, arguing that they would make good citizens of the new Republic of Henryana, and he bitterly opposed being drugged and strapped to his bed as a threat to the liberties of his need for moonlight wind sprints and wall-climbing exercises. For the remainder of his life he continued to fight for porridge and the rights of the Patrick Henried masses. Quote of the Day“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be Microsoft's new Futuretron 3000 Duck Simulator. That's almost a duck!”-Rodney Cheesesteak Fortune 500 CookieWhen kicking out at opponents this week, aim for the nuts—always a good strategy. It's time to let that baby shark go home to its mama; it's been two years and you've got to take a bath sometime. Look forward this week to a final showdown with your mortal nemesis, Weezer. But watch out for the Rentals to intervene.Try again later. Top 5 commune Features This Week
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Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.