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03/17/26   
French-kissing the Internet's pie-hole since 1999


Rusty Klein

In an outrageous effort to quell worries about drug involvement in the recent accidental bombing of a Canadian infantry unit by two American fighter pilots on amphetamines, the U.S. military has presented experts claiming the intake of amphetamines actually aids the performance of soldiers under stress. Is this the ultimate message about drugs we're sending to our children? — Professor Jeremy Klein










Quote of the Day
“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.


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Top Enduring 2004 Election Scandals
1.Bush didn't really win; they forgot to count the comatose vote
2.Identical twins voted twice, ignoring "1 Face, 1 Vote" principle
3.Every 13th vote discarded as "unlucky"
4.Too many precincts used antiquated paper ballots
5.Too many precincts used newfangled electric voting machines
6.10,000 Florida voters cast ballots for dead man: John Kerry
7.Too many military absentee ballots were marked for Bush: Now that's just stupid
8.No paper trail for southern state "applause-o-meter" polling technique
9.Oh sweet Jesus, Bush really won!
10.Eskimos kept away from polls by sheer geography
Archives
The Budget Surplus
Once again George Bush has proven that Democrats excel at domestic issues while the Republicans falter. Blowing the budget surplus on a minor tax break made him popular for a little while, but we've wasted our budget surplus before hitting on hard... (1/6/03)

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