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11/3/26   
The Answer. The Question. The Excuse.


Rusty Klein

In an outrageous effort to quell worries about drug involvement in the recent accidental bombing of a Canadian infantry unit by two American fighter pilots on amphetamines, the U.S. military has presented experts claiming the intake of amphetamines actually aids the performance of soldiers under stress. Is this the ultimate message about drugs we're sending to our children? — Professor Jeremy Klein










Quote of the Day
“We didn't land on Plymouth Rock… we landed just beside it, and then the damn thing rolled onto us. Needless to say, we didn't step in bird shit either. Just standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

-Professor Milton X
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's official: You've made the Ambassador's shit list. It's funny you can never find a gun when you really need one. Try thinking outside the box this week… in fact, general consensus is you shouldn't be wearing a box everywhere in the first place. Suck a lemon; make lemonade.


Try again later.
Top Enduring 2004 Election Scandals
1.Bush didn't really win; they forgot to count the comatose vote
2.Identical twins voted twice, ignoring "1 Face, 1 Vote" principle
3.Every 13th vote discarded as "unlucky"
4.Too many precincts used antiquated paper ballots
5.Too many precincts used newfangled electric voting machines
6.10,000 Florida voters cast ballots for dead man: John Kerry
7.Too many military absentee ballots were marked for Bush: Now that's just stupid
8.No paper trail for southern state "applause-o-meter" polling technique
9.Oh sweet Jesus, Bush really won!
10.Eskimos kept away from polls by sheer geography
Archives
The Budget Surplus
Once again George Bush has proven that Democrats excel at domestic issues while the Republicans falter. Blowing the budget surplus on a minor tax break made him popular for a little while, but we've wasted our budget surplus before hitting on hard... (1/6/03)

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