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05/1/26   
Not really trying since 2001


Rusty Klein

In an outrageous effort to quell worries about drug involvement in the recent accidental bombing of a Canadian infantry unit by two American fighter pilots on amphetamines, the U.S. military has presented experts claiming the intake of amphetamines actually aids the performance of soldiers under stress. Is this the ultimate message about drugs we're sending to our children? — Professor Jeremy Klein










Milestones
1990: Red Bagel's dark vision of the future presented in lecture form at a local college predicts a war in Iraq, though he incorrectly predicts the date as 2002. Unless… well, we'll wait and see, won't we?
Now Hiring
Bartender. Mix all variety of drinks, serve beers with a quick smile and friendly expression. Listening a must, flipping bottles and spinning like in Cocktail a plus. Must know when to cut off Ramrod Hurley—immediately—and when to cut off Red Bagel—never, if you like your job.
Top 5 Concessions to Iran for Freeing British Prisoners
1.Give Iranian cricket team real shot at the World Cup
2.Current prisoners traded for Ian MacKellen, who can hopefully deliver more convincing confession
3.Just one more season of Ricky Gervais' The Office
4.Three words: Spandau Ballet Reunion
5.Stab at pissing off the second-largest military force in the West before taking on the biggest not as successful as expected
Archives
The Budget Surplus
Once again George Bush has proven that Democrats excel at domestic issues while the Republicans falter. Blowing the budget surplus on a minor tax break made him popular for a little while, but we've wasted our budget surplus before hitting on hard... (1/6/03)

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