|  by Roland McShyster   January 20, 2003 Alright, who ordered the crap? Oh, it's you! America! Well, here you go then:
In Theaters Darkness Falls I have to admit I was pretty scared going into this one until I realized that the bad guy wasn't the tooth fairy from that Hannibal Lector book. Once I realized that it was the fuckin' tooth fairy, I broke out the airhorn. The little sprite that leaves you quarters and sells your teeth for serial killers to make into necklaces or whatever she does with them is right up there with Al Gore on my personal list of terrifying movie villains, but I'm happy to say the movie was redeemed by random blurts of high-intensity noise. For a while the audience thought the tooth fairy was driving a semi truck or something, which was pretty funny, but then I got a little airhorn-happy and had to spend the last half of the movie listening from outside. A Guy Thing Pretty hard to keep the storylines straight in this film, which was slightly less confusing than watching Twin Peaks on acid at Disneyland. Jason Lee porks a monkey who used to belong to an organ grinder who's the brother of his fiancée's uncle's dentist, and it's a race against time to keep her from finding out. And at the same time there's a vet who's racing against time to let Jason Lee know that the monkey he porked has the splits, or some kind of banana-eating monkey disease they made up for the movie, whatever they called it. So he's got to stop Lee before he porks again and begins the downfall of mankind. But Jason Lee once teabagged the vet while he was sleeping, and the photos are in the mail so it's a further race against time for Lee to avoid the vet and track down the highly-paranoid mailman before he delivers the package that contains the pictures of Jason Lee teabagging the vet who knows about the monkey who belonged to the brother of his fiancée's uncle's dentist. Bottom line: you have to see it twice to understand how much it sucks. The Hours I always wondered how you spelled the Canadian pronunciation of whores, and now I know. Nicole Kidman and a couple of other high-profile women who aren't hot enough to remember star in this disappointing feature that has very little to do with whoring and a lot to do with being boring. Calling it The Bores would have been more fitting, but I guess people would have stayed away because nobody wants to watch another goddamned movie about pigs. Kangaroo Jack Jack Nicholson must have a powerful yen for scaring the shit out of little kids, because he's at it again for the second time already this year. First he was terrifyingly middle-aged in About Shit, now he's a goddamned kangaroo. I wasn't sure what to make of a movie that's mainly Jack hopping around and waving his ballsack at people in a threatening manner, but after a while I realized it was all a meditation on America's role in the Middle East and from there on out I enjoyed the film. National Security Hilarious September 11th spoof starring Steve Zahn as George W. Bush and Martin Lawrence as Colin Powell. These guys are just in the wrong place at the wrong time all the time and their bumbling attempts to stop an international terror network will leave your pants moist with laughter. The truth hurts, but every once in a while it hurts because you're laughing too hard and your catheter pulled out or whatever. This is all the stuff CNN wouldn't let you see, and I bet that right about now they're kicking themselves that they didn't go with a comedy news format the instant W. got elected. They should show this in grade school and during voter registration.
Quote of the Day“I never met a man I didn't like, want to kill.”-Dill "California Angst" Wongers Fortune 500 CookieYou will fall in love with a new douche this week, a fact that unfortunately has nothing at all to do with feminine hygiene. Try to pay more attention to your figure: word on the street is you're upgrading from "pear-shaped" to "sack of shit-y." You will finally come to understand the phrase "fifteen men on a dead man's chest" this week, thanks to an unfortunate dogpile mishap. Your lucky perfumes: Colonic for Men, Goat's Dong, Eau Du Crapper.Try again later. Top 5 commune Features This Week
 January 6, 2003 Hot damn, America!
Against all odds we're back for another year of Entertainment Police love. Few would have thought we'd last this long, and most of them also believe in unicorns and platonic friendships. But here we are, in the abstract... (1/6/03)           |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.