Tits are in the Eye of the Beholder

by Ty Higgins

January 6, 2003

I think that I shall never pass
a poem as lovely as an ass
or a verse that weighs as heavy
as a buck-naked supermodel
straddling a Chevy
How could course words
ever capture the heaven
of the classic Maxim issue #7?
No match has a poet's mind thought
for the work God
and boob doctors hath wrought
on the chest of some
milky-white maiden
a blank canvas now silicone-laden
How could Wordsworth
ever be so divine
as that chick on the cover of Maxim #9?
He probably never got a girl so immaculate
if the portrait in our book is at all accurate
Everyone knows guys only turn to poems
and learning of xylems and phloems
and spending their time curing cancers
and knowing the names of ballet dancers
when their chances of scoring have vanished
and their boring old asses are banished
You may be there, teach-I'd say you are
I've seen that shitbox you call a car
You'd pick up more ladies in a hearse
and that suit that you wear's even worse
So I'm glad you've got books-'cuz you need 'em
to forget you're not getting laid while you read 'em
And me, all I need is to pass
even if I was reading a Penthouse in class
I need you to hook me up, teach, no doubt
'cuz I hear college girls are the ones who put out.

Milestones

1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.

Now Hiring

Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys.

Top Unrevealed Bush Tax Cut Benefits

1.	Paper currency disintegrates upon touching hands of lower classes
2.	Top 1 percent of wealth holders can legally eat cloned dinosaur
3.	Five new interns approved for every Democrat who votes for cuts
4.	Third Star Wars movie legally required to be drastic improvement
5.	Millions of tax dollars refunded to rich; T-shirts for poor

Lunch Money
Listen up, Billy Olson I'm a drink you up like Molson make you sing like a fat Al Jolson grab your tits and milk 'em both, son. 'Cause you messed with the best I confess it's no test I am the real thing you will know the hurt I bring ... (12/23/02)

Thug Life
You can take your poetry class grind it into a meatball and cram it up your ass Mr. Costenoble, you fruity pebble prick. And Health teacher, I'm warning you to mind your own girth I could out-eat you since long before birth I had a... (12/9/02)

Spastic Gastric Function
"Spastic Gastric Function" is the social event of the year, bathe your Clydesdales in lite beer... Homeo-apathy as a viable career? Flaccid pansies? I'd eat them gladly. Anteaters play clarinets, from the trunks of blue corvettes, the... (11/25/02)