Tits are in the Eye of the Beholder

by Ty Higgins

January 6, 2003

I think that I shall never pass
a poem as lovely as an ass
or a verse that weighs as heavy
as a buck-naked supermodel
straddling a Chevy
How could course words
ever capture the heaven
of the classic Maxim issue #7?
No match has a poet's mind thought
for the work God
and boob doctors hath wrought
on the chest of some
milky-white maiden
a blank canvas now silicone-laden
How could Wordsworth
ever be so divine
as that chick on the cover of Maxim #9?
He probably never got a girl so immaculate
if the portrait in our book is at all accurate
Everyone knows guys only turn to poems
and learning of xylems and phloems
and spending their time curing cancers
and knowing the names of ballet dancers
when their chances of scoring have vanished
and their boring old asses are banished
You may be there, teach-I'd say you are
I've seen that shitbox you call a car
You'd pick up more ladies in a hearse
and that suit that you wear's even worse
So I'm glad you've got books-'cuz you need 'em
to forget you're not getting laid while you read 'em
And me, all I need is to pass
even if I was reading a Penthouse in class
I need you to hook me up, teach, no doubt
'cuz I hear college girls are the ones who put out.

Quote of the Day

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores... uh, on second thought, scratch that. If I can pick, don't give me any losers.”

-Emily Dickinsome

Fortune 500 Cookie

Give up the ghost this weekâ€”everybody knows you're drawing those eyebrows on with a magic marker. You may only be a gigolo, but that doesn't mean anybody wants to hear you sing about it. Try naming a constellation after yourself: it worked for that "Chantilly Lace" guy. This week's lucky pets: salamander, ostrich, rutabaga, cow fetus, bottle of deadly germs.

Try again later.

Top Mike Tyson Hotel Brawl Excuses

1.	Men insulted Tyson's little yappy dog.
2.	"Dude reminded me that I raped his sister."
3.	Tyson heard bell ring in lobby.
4.	Victim reminded Mike of "Little Mac."
5.	Men taunted Tyson with their delicious-looking ears.

Lunch Money
Listen up, Billy Olson I'm a drink you up like Molson make you sing like a fat Al Jolson grab your tits and milk 'em both, son. 'Cause you messed with the best I confess it's no test I am the real thing you will know the hurt I bring ... (12/23/02)

Thug Life
You can take your poetry class grind it into a meatball and cram it up your ass Mr. Costenoble, you fruity pebble prick. And Health teacher, I'm warning you to mind your own girth I could out-eat you since long before birth I had a... (12/9/02)

Spastic Gastric Function
"Spastic Gastric Function" is the social event of the year, bathe your Clydesdales in lite beer... Homeo-apathy as a viable career? Flaccid pansies? I'd eat them gladly. Anteaters play clarinets, from the trunks of blue corvettes, the... (11/25/02)