Milestones
1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.Now Hiring
Compulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.Least-Popular Halloween Handouts
| 1. | Jesus Tarts |
| 2. | Sock full of pennies |
| 3. | Shnuckers; like Snickers, but filled with delicious Shmucker's jam |
| 4. | Asked to open bag, close eyes; smart-ass farts into sack |
| 5. | Everlasting Never-Ending Irradiated Gobstopper |
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