Milestones
1996: Red Bagel fires entire commune staff during "Crazy Bagel's Everything Must Go Liquidation Madness" phase of the commune's August Sale-abration. Analysts praise Bagel for ridding his staff of junkies and losers, who he promptly replaces with the current batch of junkies and losers.Now Hiring
Bloodhound. Needed to track down former commune staffer Smilin' Jack Costello, who disappeared in May, still owing $8 to the office petty cash fund. Smart dog needed who is not fooled by turbans or overly distracted by running foxes. Generous wages to be paid in beef kidneys. Top Reasons for Increased U.S. Ladder-Associated Deaths
| 1. | "Up/Down" directions never specified |
| 2. | Reckless Generation Y refuses to wear protective equipment |
| 3. | Ladder-deaths portrayed so glamorously in the movies |
| 4. | Frequent union strikes by staircases leaving human helpless to descend to higher landings except by already overcrowded ladders |
| 5. | Direct correlation to 50% increase in all-blind-cast productions of Our Town |
|