Thug Life

by Billy Olson

December 9, 2002

You can take your poetry class
grind it into a meatball
and cram it up your ass
Mr. Costenoble,
you fruity pebble prick.

And Health teacher,
I'm warning you
to mind your own girth
I could out-eat you
since long before birth
I had a twin brother
way back in the womb
"I ain't hoggin' the food tube,
get the hell out my room!"
He ain't around no longer, you want to be next?
Then use me one more time to illustrate the text.

Go on, girls, keep on giggling
about the time I got kicked out of the cafeteria
for sneaking a second helping.
That's a good way to get your tits kicked in.

Eating lunch alone is my prerogative
they give me all the pudding they by law can give
"Yoohoo, bitch, it's chocolate milk!
I didn't come here for no soyburgers and Silk."
Who said I ate all the cookies my mom made for the class?
Damn, you must be aching for a Ked up your ass.

Denny McFarlaine needed to get all up in my biz?
Saying my ass was fat and my brownie was his?
Though I wanted to snap the nuts off this fine fellow
and shout and scream and holler and bellow
I decided to just play it mellow.

And when I was done with lunch,
with a bone-shattering crunch
I kicked his ass into Jell-o,
just as a way to say hello.
So much for playing it mellow.

Or at least I will the next time he plays it like that.

Quote of the Day

“I can't quit you babeâ€¦ you got me locked into a 24-month exclusive contraaaaactâ€¦ oh yes you do oh yes you doâ€¦ your early termination fees are givin' me the bluesâ€¦ I been on hold so long baby now so long now ba-by yeahâ€¦ I know you're on the line with a-nother man and it's breakin my heeeeart in twoâ€¦”

-Naked Mole Rat Jefferson

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will find true love this week, but you'll return it because it smells funny. Try using words like "adage" and "usage" less frequently; you think it makes you sound smart, everybody else thinks you're turning into Pauly Shore. Don't hesitate to fire blindly into a crowd of strangers this week: hesitation can be deadly. This week's lucky trucks: ice cream, any variety being washed by bikini babes, Gaelic Motors' 4WD Clover, any whose manufacturers don't run commercials claiming they're "like Iraq."

Try again later.

Top Iraqi Gratitude Slogans

1.	I love America and dying!
2.	USA! Broil in hell, USA!
3.	All the beautiful shooting!
4.	God Bless This Rubble
5.	Sweet, legless liberation!

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