Star Wars as You Know it No Longer Exists

There's not a day you log onto a popular internet site like Teen Beat Gossip or Gent All-Amateurs where you don't hear some random loser belly-aching about the fact George Lucas has yet to release Star Wars, the original good one and its immediate sequels, on DVD. In the hopes of keeping the internet running at a much slower, manageable rate, I will now answer this question so you can take that 15% internet traffic and use it for other purposes, like who would win the much-anticipated Kirk-Picard sword battle.

Star Wars is no more. Or, as you über-nerds might need translated, Episode IV: A New Hope has been erased from all records.

The possibilities of this might confound you, as they easily confounded me, and occasionally still do when I approach the problem not expecting an ambush. I have a friend who is well-versed on time-travel and film history, and for the sake of this article let's call him Steven Hawking. Not the famous physicist in a wheelchair, though this informant is actually named Steven and has bad knees, but if it makes you feel more confident to confuse the two of them for the purpose of understanding this article, hey, I won't stop you.

"George Lucas has been famous for tampering with his Star Wars movies to keep them hip and popular for a younger generation, who is incapable of enjoying anything without computer-generated effects and poop jokes. Some examples are making the Death Star explosion in Episode IV even bigger, grander, with a big fat ring, and when Han Solo lands in the trash compactor and says, 'Christ, who dropped logs in here?' Fans of the original theatrical version have been tolerant, but generally unhappy with the changes. I agree even more so, because they have worked to undermine the fabric of the space-film continuum."

Continued Hawking, helping himself to beer from my fridge without asking, "When Lucas changes anything in Episode IV, it invariably effects all episodes following. Remember the scene of the Wampa sitting up in Empire Strikes Back, or the 30-minute extended dancing green squid girl scenes from Return of the Jedi? Some people mistakenly chalk it up to Lucas going in and fiddling with his iMac in those films as well, but the truth is he has no idea how those got in there. I can safely say, though, being well-read on time-traveling books in the Quantum Leap Find-Your-Fate series, that the seemingly-harmless effects of adding Jawa monsters and stuff to Episode IV has irrevocably damaged the two following films.

"Film, like time, has a tendency to mend itself. Though we may not see the apparent big deal in the changes in the computer-generated Episode IV, subtle motions were put in place that extended scenes and added footage to the other Star Wars films.

"The logical jump from there, of course, is to imagine how much damage Episode I, somewhat hastily written and assembled with sentimentality overruling true humanity, has done to the films following. Just for an example as to how bad its altered the space-film continuum, the two-headed podrace alien's inclusion in the film somehow managed to change the rifles in E.T. into walkie-talkies. Spielberg was pissed about it, you bet, but you don't want to argue with a man who can make a prequel to your life that ends up undoing your existence.

"In short, the Star Wars chain has been so badly broken in Episode I and Episode II the original films have 'fixed' themselves beyond recognition. Stormtroopers have been turned into Cylons, Wookiees evolved into Dan Haggertys, and Lando Calrissian has somehow been replaced with Eddie Griffin. To fix these films, if they can be fixed, will take until 2005 at the earliest, when Lucas has hinted he will re-release them at last. Until then, trust me—you don't want to watch a film where we watch Leonardo DiCaprio struggle to be a Jedi, only to find out Mike Tyson is his father."

Thoughtful words, Steven. Terrifying, thoughtful words. Now pony up for the beer.

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