Spastic Gastric Function

by Violet Tiara

November 25, 2002

"Spastic Gastric Function"
is the social event of the year,
bathe your Clydesdales in lite beer...
Homeo-apathy as a viable career?

Flaccid pansies? I'd eat them gladly.
Anteaters play clarinets,
from the trunks of blue corvettes,
the gentlemen have placed their bets.

Take your chances
on pairs of pantses
that look lovely when they're nuzzled
between the ass cheeks of male models
who suck the rubber tit of baby bottles.

Terrorists?
Don't act so pissed,
just because your country's all full of sand.
Think sand castles all across the land!
Everyone's a king until the crabs attack.

The earth cries,
the French fries
have eyes and legs.
Holy shit McDonalds on acid!
There's a tarantula with Velcro knees,
George Bush honking on the Japanese.

Rubbery dumplings
shit out the ass of mumbling somethings,
green are their eyes but they only say one thing:
"Hello can I take your order?"

Ronald please,
no angry cow disease
for me.
I'll have the salad, plain as Jane,
and please hold the holes in my brain.

The world's a kaleidoscope
not an Al-Qaidascope
and we all try to hope
we'll live long enough to elope,
a wedding in mauve and taupe
with incontinents jumping rope.

Or at least a back-seat grope
with some kind of hot-ass guru or something
we met at the Spastic Gastric Function.

Quote of the Day

“A nation divided against itself, times three more nations, plus six more nations and an independent state, divided by two nations, isâ€¦ shit. I always do this. I forgot to carry the remainder. Does anyone have a calculator I can borrow?”

-Abie Lincoln Hayes

Fortune 500 Cookie

Today is the day the son of a bitch finally dies. You know what would be good right about now? Chili con carne. Isn't it funny how the one time you forget to wear a condom is the one time you end up catching a seriously painful contagious disease? Lucky for you, the world can always abide one more asshole.

Try again later.

Top Reasons Chinese Protest Against Japan

1.	Lousy Japanese driving creates international stereotype against all Asians
2.	Oppressive communist computer chips frequently mocked in Japan
3.	Age-old rivalry involving some chick named Xiang Chao
4.	China invented overpopulation; Japan just copying us
5.	China jealous of slightly more freedom available in Japan

The Spell of My Love
T is for the time we spend, each day like a minute going too fast; H is for the heart I give, for the love inside I have gladly amassed; O is for the order, my life is my own with you in it; N is for the nurturing, because you my... (11/11/02)

TV REPAIR
Fat patterns pulsing in stitches of static erratic and plastic, the spastic display. With a bang and a kick and a "cheap motherfucker!" an emergency side-slapping repair is performed. The picture then jittered and shimmied and quivered then... (10/28/02)

Claw
A quick short walk to the beach you wear your blue bikini blue like my heart blue like my teardrops and almost I can see the nipples your boobs, not my heart or teardrops We walk, hand in hand and one more hand like the hand of... (10/14/02)