TV REPAIR

by Sanchez Vickle

October 28, 2002

Fat patterns pulsing
in stitches of static
erratic and plastic,
the spastic display.
With a bang and a kick
and a "cheap motherfucker!"
an emergency side-slapping
repair is performed.
The picture then jittered
and shimmied and quivered
then twisted all sideways,
the image deformed.
With a hearty "hiya!"
like the best fake karate
pissed off fists of fury
rained down on the set.
A homemade remedy
for that TV set voodoo,
a righteous exorcism
time-tested and true.
But with one kick too many
the screen split like a prism
and with an ass-rattling blurt
that cheap cocksucker died.
Now, most would be ready
to cash in the towel.
To blow a foul "Taps"
into a snot rag, goodnight.
But not on my watch!
No, I cannot abide it.
You will not go gently,
you green plastic hunk of Taiwanese shit.
So I break out my tool box,
and with saw in hand,
I proceed to gut it,
this department store brand.
And oh what wonders
pour forth from its cavernous womb!
All transistors and vacuum-sucked tubes.
Delightful chrome marvels
mysterious in hue.

And though I could not save it
this shitbox complex,
the labyrinth of doodads
built only to vex,
I have other plans
for this flat-lining set.
These parts could prove handy,
and I'm one to bet
they could be glued together
to make a grand UFO
that might scare the brown vittles
out of Clem down the road.

Quote of the Day

“I have not yet begun to finish my sentenâ€¦”

-John Paul Jones

Fortune 500 Cookie

Everythingâ€™s looking up this week, to avoid making eye contact with you. At long last it has become clear that your masterâ€™s degree in goat teasing was a total waste of time. Everyone knows sneezing into your sleeve is just good manners, you should try the same when you break wind. On the bright side, we showed a picture of you to a time-traveler who stopped by the office last week, and he said "Oh Jesus, that guy?" so apparently youâ€™re well-known in the future. This weekâ€™s lucky gadgets: HP iPlaid (launching next week on clearance), Samsung MySlate laptop-sized smartphone, iRobot Chippy: Autonomous Quadrotor Personal Killdrone, Sonicareless dental apathy kit, Windows 7 Phone in Bluescreen Blue.

Try again later.

Top 5 Ways Bush Could Raise Approval Rating

1.	Replace Hugh Jackman in next X-Men sequel
2.	Give out free abortion to pro-choicers on Roe v. Wade anniversary; for pro-lifers, kill convicted criminal
3.	Be seen everywhere with new wheelchair-bound friend
4.	Go on Leno, punch Tom Cruise right in sack
5.	Win war on terrorism, declare war on disagreement next

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