Invent It!

by Lindsay Green

September 30, 2002

I will invent it!

A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!

A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.

A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny.
Yeah. Fuck those, too!
A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice.

A lotion that puts out fires
inside electrical wires
and smells like a honeysuckle bath.
An alarm for when your milk expires
or when there's a nail in your tires
or when you're sleeping with liars.

A meter that tells you
how much time you have left
before the heart in your chest
shoots straight out of your breast.
Goddamned bacon cheeseburgers!
Why do they have to make them so good?

A magnifying machine
that makes little nickels work like quarters
and supersizes all your orders
for way less than 39 cents!

And finally, a man-sized pillow that pleases
says "Excuse!" when it sneezes
and never, not once ever (unlike another)
puts the moves on your mother
or your sexually confused younger brother
or your collie or any other
household pets after ten lousy drinks!

And it's not named Steve!

Quote of the Day

“May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts, and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he fuck them up so I'll know not to trust cripples.”

-Old Irish Proverb, Jr.

Fortune 500 Cookie

That weird smell in the office: It's you, dude. Stay out of the sun this week at your doctor's request; he's tired of seeing you shirtless. This week's lucky prom dates: Mom's hot friend "Aunt" Chyniqua, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, a randomly selected pro wrestler, entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds, or six of the seven dwarves: Sneezy's got cancer.

Try again later.

Top 5 Michael Jackson Trial Revelations

1.	Sleeping with children in your bed only huge moral quaqmireâ€”not illegal
2.	Elephant Man bones were delicious
3.	"Thriller" song autobiographical
4.	Body almost 78% artificial ingredients
5.	Jackson himself a delusional product of being raised in the spotlight; middle name Joseph

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A nose is a nose is a nose. Wouldn't one by any other name smell just as well? What the hell. Call it a hogglebottom and it still smells the sweets. Call it a snot locker, still a nose-shaped hunk o' meat stapled to your face right where... (9/2/02)

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