10/22/25
We'll put this sword away when you tell us where the monkey is
|  Invent It!by Lindsay Green   September 30, 2002 I will invent it!
A mendable, bendable tube that will heal any wound and smell like the moon for only half a dubloon! A meteor catching net that plays DVDs and warms up your knees and always asks please when you forget to because you are an asshole. A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny. Yeah. Fuck those, too! A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice. A lotion that puts out fires inside electrical wires and smells like a honeysuckle bath. An alarm for when your milk expires or when there's a nail in your tires or when you're sleeping with liars. A meter that tells you how much time you have left before the heart in your chest shoots straight out of your breast. Goddamned bacon cheeseburgers! Why do they have to make them so good? A magnifying machine that makes little nickels work like quarters and supersizes all your orders for way less than 39 cents! And finally, a man-sized pillow that pleases says "Excuse!" when it sneezes and never, not once ever (unlike another) puts the moves on your mother or your sexually confused younger brother or your collie or any other household pets after ten lousy drinks! And it's not named Steve! Milestones1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.Now HiringBounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.Least Requested Christmas Gifts
 Mrs. The Pope I'll elope with the Pope on a Sunday in Spain, and I hope that the dope won't pick a day when it rains. For though the walrus and crow might find it refreshing, the sugar-drop people would melt right through the chairs' meshing. And the... (9/16/02) God Only Nose A nose is a nose is a nose. Wouldn't one by any other name smell just as well? What the hell. Call it a hogglebottom and it still smells the sweets. Call it a snot locker, still a nose-shaped hunk o' meat stapled to your face right where... (9/2/02) Marmalade and Lace Marmalade and lace, I step on your face as you draw back your bow. Where's the arrow? I don't know. These lovers' games without names… or at least maybe they should be. "Drunken Pump" robs my dignity, couldn't we call it "Double... (8/19/02)            |
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.