Invent It!

by Lindsay Green

September 30, 2002

I will invent it!

A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!

A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.

A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny.
Yeah. Fuck those, too!
A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice.

A lotion that puts out fires
inside electrical wires
and smells like a honeysuckle bath.
An alarm for when your milk expires
or when there's a nail in your tires
or when you're sleeping with liars.

A meter that tells you
how much time you have left
before the heart in your chest
shoots straight out of your breast.
Goddamned bacon cheeseburgers!
Why do they have to make them so good?

A magnifying machine
that makes little nickels work like quarters
and supersizes all your orders
for way less than 39 cents!

And finally, a man-sized pillow that pleases
says "Excuse!" when it sneezes
and never, not once ever (unlike another)
puts the moves on your mother
or your sexually confused younger brother
or your collie or any other
household pets after ten lousy drinks!

And it's not named Steve!

Milestones

1999: Eurocommune opens, burns down four minutes later after an electrical outlet misunderstanding.

Now Hiring

Good Humor Man. Must be willing to drive around the commune offices in a circle 24 hours a day. Familiarity with The Farmer in the Dell strongly recommended. Dilly Bars a plus.

Least-Watched Holiday Specials

1.	A Bush Family Christmas
2.	I'm Dreaming of a White Krishna
3.	VH1 Behind the Music: That Guy Who Sang Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
4.	Christopher Walken in a Winter Wonderland
5.	Gerald Ford Reads "Twas the Night Beforeâ€¦" Oh Shit

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