Invent It!

by Lindsay Green

September 30, 2002

I will invent it!

A mendable, bendable tube
that will heal any wound
and smell like the moon
for only half a dubloon!

A meteor catching net
that plays DVDs
and warms up your knees
and always asks please
when you forget to
because you are an asshole.

A robot that picks the nuts out of trail mix
and the raisins and nasty bits of cereal
and those dusty little pretzels that taste funny.
Yeah. Fuck those, too!
A robot that makes it all M&Ms would be nice.

A lotion that puts out fires
inside electrical wires
and smells like a honeysuckle bath.
An alarm for when your milk expires
or when there's a nail in your tires
or when you're sleeping with liars.

A meter that tells you
how much time you have left
before the heart in your chest
shoots straight out of your breast.
Goddamned bacon cheeseburgers!
Why do they have to make them so good?

A magnifying machine
that makes little nickels work like quarters
and supersizes all your orders
for way less than 39 cents!

And finally, a man-sized pillow that pleases
says "Excuse!" when it sneezes
and never, not once ever (unlike another)
puts the moves on your mother
or your sexually confused younger brother
or your collie or any other
household pets after ten lousy drinks!

And it's not named Steve!

Quote of the Day

“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. This means you, Gerardo.”

-Napoleon Bugglyparte

Fortune 500 Cookie

Finally, you'll win that annual shit-talkin' contest. If the shoe fits, it still means you only have one shoe, dumbass. It may hurt, but don't worry, they can re-attach it if you put the testicle on ice quickly. Don't buy the lottery ticket this weekâ€”your money is better invested in cookie dough. Lucky marbles: steely, cat's eyes, andâ€¦ uhâ€¦ shit, we're fresh out of marbles.

Try again later.

Top 5 Reasons You Won't Have to Kick Around the commune For Anymore

1.	Itâ€™s expensive to run state of the art website and Dippinâ€™ Dots franchise at the same time
2.	You assholes simply refused to spell our name appropriately in lowercase letters
3.	All of this was for date with girl at Blockbuster; she donâ€™t work there no more
4.	Less writing and online publishing leaves more time to hang out at coffee shop writing thinly veiled autobiographic novel
5.	You never loved us

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