Volume 24

September 2, 2002

Dear commune:

Me and my friends think your publication is one of the greatest ever made, for real. We are not kidding when we say your news and reporting are top-notch, and your columnists are insightful and not at all ranting weirdoes.

Have you and your brilliant, and we don't mean that sarcastic, staff ever considered making a commune for kids? It's a shame, seriously, that kids grow up with such mainstream tripe like Highlights and Boys' Life and never get the counterculture experience of the commune. You should really do that, for real.
Please excuse any misspellings or grammar errors, as it is hard to concentrate with my friends laughing over my shoulder.

Vance Grammett
Lynnville, KS

Dear Vance:

We have considered a commune for kids, and are working on features for the publication in our spare time at the bar. We plan to include news about school, hot teens, and all the other things that appeal to school kids and strange middle-aged men. Gossip columns on who has cooties, and who gives them. A feature like Goofus and Gallant, where Red Bagel does everything the right way, and his indistinguishable evil twin Rogue Bagel does things the mean and cruel way. Plus games and puzzles, like Guess Where Lil Duncan Woke Up This Morning and Pin the Theft on Bludney Pudd.

Of course, all of this hinges on efforts to clone Red Bagel to produce a childlike version of him to edit the content. Mr. Bagel feels that no one else but a youthful version of himself could deliver what the kids want in a commune fashion, and the idea is a no-go until technology catches up with us.

A suitable substitute for a children's commune is out there right now, usually sold under the title Rolling Stone. Enjoy, kids!

the commune

Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the rash of child kidnappings out west. Yoga, coffee enemas, now this—those Californias will try anything for a good time.

Milestones

1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, andâ€”what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!

Now Hiring

Hall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.

Top Pants-Missing Explanations

1.	Busted out Hulk-style
2.	Told one lie too many
3.	Busted out Louie Anderson-style
4.	What, aren't you hot?
5.	Talked out of them by gay Casanova
6.	Made ass look big
7.	Donated to killer mandroid from future
8.	Realized parachute pants went out of style in 1986
9.	Sat in ham
10.	You kidding? Pants are so 2002

Volume 23
Dear commune: Every bulbous-nosed idiot out there knows that rules are made to be broken, so why does the commune insist on its silly, antiquated system of paying its writing staff in nearly obsolete paper money? If the commune's writers had half... (8/19/02)

Volume 22
Dear commune: With the gruesome bursting of the dot com bubble and the growing trend of online businesses moving from a advertising-driven profit model to one in which profits are generated by user fees, how does the commune expect to remain... (8/5/02)

Volume 21
Dear commune: Ed Phillips here again. I've recently returned a little wiser from the Middle East. Like most Americans, I assumed the problem was simply based in religious differences and the insurmountable tumultuous history between Islamic and... (7/22/02)