God Only Nose

by Mortimer Wendell

September 2, 2002

A nose is a nose is a nose.
Wouldn't one by any other name smell
just as well?
What the hell.
Call it a hogglebottom
and it still smells the sweets.
Call it a snot locker,
still a nose-shaped hunk o' meat
stapled to your face right where God intended.
Just think if your cheeks were where your face ended!
How strange! How ugly! How inconvenient! How loathe!
Why, if you had to sneeze then you'd damn near explode!
And with no nose there to handle the chore
of absorbing the impact of a sliding glass door,
with no nose you'd smack your eyeballs right on the glass,
and with a squeegeeing sound you'd fall right on your ass.
I won't have it! I don't want it! I'll keep my nose please!
For blowing! And scratching! And sticking in trees!
I won't blow my eyes, that'd be unsatisfying
and if I said I knew how, you would know I was lying.
Look at Cher! Look at Jacko! No nose makes you evil!
At least, with it half gone, you look like a huge weevil.
You can follow your nose on to wondrous places
and without it to cut off, how would we spite our faces?
So say no to nose jobs, say yes to those jobs
that honor your nose like a rose, and ignore those mobs
of humorless, noseless, sick shallow slobs
who's faces are featureless, doughy white blobs
who shout "Cut it off, hack it off, give it to charity!"
Say "Brother, please quit now and cease your hilarity.
A nose is a wonderful, beautiful gem
that some say relates to the size of yourâ€¦ ahem.
So treasure it, unless you are sickly with sniffles and cough,
then break out the band saw and please cut mine off!"

Quote of the Day

“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”

-Lazy Larry Lisbaine

Fortune 500 Cookie

You're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.

Try again later.

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