Marmalade and Lace

by Melissa Torkens

August 19, 2002

Marmalade and lace,
I step on your face
as you draw back your bow.
Where's the arrow? I don't know.

These lovers' games without namesâ€¦
or at least maybe they should be.
"Drunken Pump" robs my dignity,
couldn't we call it "Double Indemnity"?

You Probe me with your Ford
while I hum My Sweet Lord
and your Contours I memorize.
My good name you blasphemise!

We meet in the 'twain
like orchids in the rain,
the drops of which are nearly heard
over the blaring Lynard Skynard.

As you plunge deep into my soul,
in your passion you try the wrong hole.
Will your roguish fingers probe my labia?
Don't be silly, you know what's a labia.
Our souls have spanned all time to be together
and in their unity we will last past forever.
In your ear I gasp to catch breath,
and uhâ€¦ sure, I guess you can call me Beth..

The stars whisper tonight we will be as one
because I see now that Friends is a re-run.
Your love is too rich to regretâ€¦
twenty seconds I will never forget.

Milestones

2002: Office prick and former Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley successfully turns 30, leading us on an endless week-long binge of bitching, moaning, and strange acts of vandalism we hope not to repeat this year.

Now Hiring

Big Fat Patsy. 'Cause we're not taking the rap for this, see. We must look like a real all-day sucker to you, yeah, a sucker, with a big fat wrapper. Boy, should we have seen it coming! Played like a two-bit piano from day one. Backstabbing dames need not apply.

Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion

1.	"Oh My Godâ€”you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2.	"I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3.	"Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4.	"Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5.	"That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6.	"You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguyâ€”don't think I've forgotten."
7.	"Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8.	"The old gymnasium still smells like burned fleshâ€”what memories!"
9.	"So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10.	"Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."

My New Lifestyle
Monday, August 5, 2002 If I could ever be as free as a tree, I'd pee only Brie. My neighbors would see the beauty of me. I'd sing like a duck and have all the good luck. I'd dance for a buck and sleep in a truck I bought for a buck ... (8/5/02)

State of the Union Jack
Random parables are wearable surf sluts speak of Sarin gas like a bubble from Hitler's ass America's flying at half-mast Conspirators eat beer and s'mores while Dutch elves poison naked bears nobody cares what the emperor wears as long... (7/22/02)

Your Honor
A little dog choked on a draidel, a ladle, a can of beef stew and a wicker kazoo. His owner, a loner from Kalamazoo, in a wrath drew a bath that he filled up with glue. The soup of white goop he stirred with an oar and what's more he added the... (7/8/02)