My New Lifestyle

by Wes Thurmon

August 5, 2002

Monday, August 5, 2002
If I could ever be
as free as a tree,
I'd pee only Brie.
My neighbors would see
the beauty of me.

I'd sing like a duck
and have all the good luck.
I'd dance for a buck
and sleep in a truck
I bought for a buck
and I'd laugh "Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

What a beautiful day!
I almost wish I was gay
and I lived in L.A.
What more can I say?
What a wonderful life that would beâ€¦

Eating green spinach pie,
reading about Princess Di.
Pausing briefly to sigh
"These sad books make me cry!"
But this dark purple tie
is so stylish, I could die!
But I won't 'cause it's great to be meâ€¦

Yes this is the life
I've waited for all my life.
No more fat, naggy wife!
No more mis'ry or strife!
New gay lifestyle I love theeâ€¦

People will talk
of my beautiful cock
that I keep in a sock
under key under lock
cause he's hard as a rock
and he's covered in chalk
and he can take a knock.
He's a tough little chicken you seeâ€¦

My identity? Clarified!
My new lifestyle? Verified!
Wait, naked men? Terrified!

Terrified! Terrified!

New gay lifestyle I'll miss theeâ€¦

Milestones

1999: Raoul Dunkin's first play, The Touch of Love, is put on in the commune break room by giggling staff reporters who find it unguarded in Dunkin's desk.

Now Hiring

Park Ranger. Duties include curtailing activities of bears, from large-haired picnic-basket stealing fun-lovin' bears to savage, towering vicious grizzly bears. Encountering bears is unlikely within the office, but your presence should finally shut up bear-phobic Ivana Folger-Balzac.

Worst-Selling Meat Alternatives

1.	M-Eat Brand Fungal Rot Cakes
2.	FEET!Â®
3.	Uncle Macho's Vegan Roadkill
4.	Henson's Best Muppet Meat Steaks
5.	Wiccan Nuggets

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