My New Lifestyle

by Wes Thurmon

August 5, 2002

Monday, August 5, 2002
If I could ever be
as free as a tree,
I'd pee only Brie.
My neighbors would see
the beauty of me.

I'd sing like a duck
and have all the good luck.
I'd dance for a buck
and sleep in a truck
I bought for a buck
and I'd laugh "Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

What a beautiful day!
I almost wish I was gay
and I lived in L.A.
What more can I say?
What a wonderful life that would beâ€¦

Eating green spinach pie,
reading about Princess Di.
Pausing briefly to sigh
"These sad books make me cry!"
But this dark purple tie
is so stylish, I could die!
But I won't 'cause it's great to be meâ€¦

Yes this is the life
I've waited for all my life.
No more fat, naggy wife!
No more mis'ry or strife!
New gay lifestyle I love theeâ€¦

People will talk
of my beautiful cock
that I keep in a sock
under key under lock
cause he's hard as a rock
and he's covered in chalk
and he can take a knock.
He's a tough little chicken you seeâ€¦

My identity? Clarified!
My new lifestyle? Verified!
Wait, naked men? Terrified!

Terrified! Terrified!

New gay lifestyle I'll miss theeâ€¦

Milestones

1983: Reporter Raoul Dunkin begins down the long road of abandoning teams when things get rough, quitting a dodgeball match due to some minor bone fracturing.

Now Hiring

You. Seeking dedicated, hard-working you of moderate intelligence to engage in commune reading, web-surfing, and other you-centered activities. Payment and benefits to be based on experience.

Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now

1.	Ted Ted's ulcer
2.	Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.	Lousy gag candles
4.	Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.	Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.	Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.	The sun. Pretty sure.
8.	Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.	Dad?
10.	You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.

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