State of the Union Jack

by D.J. Mac Factor

July 22, 2002

Random parables are wearable
surf sluts speak of Sarin gas
like a bubble from Hitler's ass
America's flying at half-mast

Conspirators eat beer and s'mores
while Dutch elves poison naked bears
nobody cares what the emperor wears
as long as he curtsies when he swears

Ugly duckling nipple-suckling
foreigners with blonde toupees
cheering for the Oakland A's
suffering through their own malaise

The end is near, the beer is here
wise up, rise up and get busy
concubines will make you dizzy
avoid them when they're in a tizzy

Omar Bricks get the chicks
Rok Finger gets the underage cripples
When Bagel moves his ass ripples
Lil gets down like Mr. Whipple

Whatup, shutup bitch be a cut-up
you can't play Bach on a busted up cello
Bush ain't even black when he plays Othello
best to be mellow like your ass was yellow.

Quote of the Day

“Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for Cletus, my inbred asscrack of a neighbor about whom I am far from indifferent.”

-CK Festerchild

Fortune 500 Cookie

You wir find gleat rove in an ord flend. That's not an accented translation; you just have a really weird fortune this week. It's time to face the facts, or at least the facts of life: even if you manage to get that face you drew on your hand pregnant, it's just going to be one more mouth to feed. This week's lucky ringtones: Hangin' Tough, Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Two Princes, Kokomo.

Try again later.

Top Shit That's on Fire Right Now

1.	Ted Ted's ulcer
2.	Iraqi fireworks stand #5
3.	Lousy gag candles
4.	Old love letters/most of Colorado
5.	Salsa music. No, seriously.
6.	Apparently some part of Bruce Springsteen
7.	The sun. Pretty sure.
8.	Richard Pryor-model Jiffy Pop
9.	Dad?
10.	You obviously lied about those being asbestos pants.

Your Honor
A little dog choked on a draidel, a ladle, a can of beef stew and a wicker kazoo. His owner, a loner from Kalamazoo, in a wrath drew a bath that he filled up with glue. The soup of white goop he stirred with an oar and what's more he added the... (7/8/02)

Space Pioneers
Life on earth did not much agree with Rufus McGee and Magilicutty Sneed. Two young boys, American as can be: American as trees, or Apples Dupree. On summer days they dreamed, on winter nights they schemed, lying there on their ... (6/24/02)

Do Not Disturb
Combustible rustable grannies come marching in waves from the caves with their zinc eyebrows arching, in tunics with tonics electric on their lips, cities of biddies descend on our ships. "Great Montezuma!" cried Macbethle Macwire ... (6/10/02)