Hey Hey Hey Hey, Kansas City!

Wait, come back! That was a joke. I know it's you, America. Roland McS here with the word on the street, or at least the street right in front of the movie theater. Most of the time that's not a real street, at least they don't give it a name, it's just considered part of the parking lot or whatever. It'd be more fun if it had a real street name, but then you could probably get a traffic ticket for driving up onto the sidewalk when you're in a hurry or popping a wheelie to impress the girls waiting out front for their dad to buy them tickets. So, when it's all been said and done, it's probably for the best that things are the way they are. Speaking of the way things are, Hollywood has come through for us again with another batch of movies to tickle our fancy or possibly our barf reflex. Let's take a look at the ragtag bunch shuffling into theaters this week, shall we?


In Theaters



Blue Crush

They always told her she'd never grow up to be a successful soda company executive, she always said she'd prove them wrong. They were right, and her "innovative" spin on Orange Crush goes over like a lead balloon filled with New Coke. Back to the bike shop with you, missy. A decent message picture that teaches Generation Ysters the valuable lesson that dreams are for people who never get invited to parties.



The Country Bears

You've all seen this story before, Papa City Bear gets an itch up his ass about bonding with the family's country cousins from Mobile, so he arranges for them to spend a summer in the city. Supposed hilarity ensues when these Merle Haggard-listening hayseeds butt heads with big-city socialites and try to crap in urinals or whatever. Love and understanding ensue, and room is left open for a The City Bears sequel where the situation is reversed and the urban bears learn that a bear really does crap in the woods. Feh. Worst bear movie since Yogi & Boo Boo in Compton.



Eight Legged Freaks

Conventional wisdom suggests that they could have come up with a better title for this En Vogue rocumentary, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here. I didn't even know these gals were still around, so I'll give them credit for not titling their movie Back in Black or anything tasteless like that. They surely would have caught more flack for that than Burger King did for naming it's new burger The Black Stack. As if that didn't sound nasty enough on it's own. Anyway, this movie's basically one long runway sequence with catfights and some singing. Not too painful.



Halloween: Resuscitation

Apparently there was one blonde EMT bimbo left on the planet who hadn't learned the lesson that if a bunch of teenagers just spent two hours hacking up a dude with an axe, driving stakes through his heart and trying to blow his shit up with a flamethrower, you might want to ask some questions before you start in with the CPR. Alas, Mike Myers and the rest of the world have that broke-knecked floozy to blame for this dry and chewy sequel that's about as much fun as being dragged through an entire hospital by your catheter. Also, look for that gag to pop up in the next sequel. You heard it here first.



Signs

Don't get me wrong or make me out to be some kind of hater, you know I'm all about that badass chick from the Johnny Cougar video, Me'Shyamalan NidgeOcello directing her own movies. And I thought The Sixth Seal was as cool as a penguin's furless sack, but if I have to hear that godawful Tesla song one more time, I swear I'm going to cave in some poor sucker's brain pan. I'm just saying, that's all.


That's all for now, America the Beautiful! Especially the half of America that doesn't pee standing up. That's the beautiful half I think they're talking about when they say that. We'll be back in two weeks with another fix of the good stuff. The good stuff being the Entertainment Police, in case you were wondering. And the "we" being you, America, and me, Roland. Just in case you were starting to worry that I was referring to myself in the plural. That's only funny when crazy people do it.

Until then!

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