Smoking

June 24, 2002

"I was one of the first people ever to give up smoking. I have no proof of that, really, but you can take me for my word.

The year was 1950, when everyone had just started smoking. Already I knew it was a bad habitâ€”my clothes smelled terrible, I would get nervous and jittery when I went a long time without a cigarette, and my genitals would burn terribly and catch fire. Usually that was because the ash would drop in my lap while I was on the toilet smoking, but your crotch catches fire once and you decide that's enough of putting lit things in your mouth.

It had become very addictive already and was very hard to give up. Back in the day the superstition was that you could give up smoking by drinking water upside down or having someone scare you. After one near-drowning and countless times where my neighbor jumped out from behind the bushes yelling 'sabotage!' I realized he probably wasn't the one to cure my smoking.

To discourage smoking, I put Tabasco sauce on all my cigarette butts whenever I opened a pack. That only served to get me addicted to Tabasco sauce, an addiction which I still have yet to shake. I then tried satisfying my oral fixation with celery, but the fumes from a celery fire make you very unpopular at parties.

Eventually, I turned to hard drugs, and let me tell you, call me old fashioned, it works wonders. I have yet to really shake my heroin habit, and I'll be a heavy drinker until I die, but the smell of smoke doesn't make me crave a cigarette in the least.

I should really tell Mr. Polkit I quit smoking in 1950, but I hate to break his heart when he still enjoys leaping out of the bushes and yelling 'sabotage!' Whatever keeps him young at heart."

Milestones

1990: Red Bagel's dark vision of the future presented in lecture form at a local college predicts a war in Iraq, though he incorrectly predicts the date as 2002. Unlessâ€¦ well, we'll wait and see, won't we?

Now Hiring

Bartender. Mix all variety of drinks, serve beers with a quick smile and friendly expression. Listening a must, flipping bottles and spinning like in Cocktail a plus. Must know when to cut off Ramrod Hurleyâ€”immediatelyâ€”and when to cut off Red Bagelâ€”never, if you like your job.

5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped

1.	My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you?
2.	You're very pretty. For a man, I mean.
3.	Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch.
4.	If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly.
5.	Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only)

Field Goal
"There was a roar of the crowd, the chilly wind blowing, the rattling of the weak bleachers we all sat on. It was the biggest game of the year, and our high school was involved. It was Oscar Wilde High School vs. the state champs, Karl Marx H.S. for... (5/27/02)

Fiddle
"In childhood I first discovered music. For my birthday Dad gave me a fiddle, and a year later, for another birthday, he gave me a bow. I was so happy when fiddle met bow and made beautiful music. Or failing that, sharp screeching sounds that I... (5/13/02)

The Plan
"As an idealistic young man, I came up with a plan for America. Most politically-active young Americans have ideas on how to improve their country. You did, didn't you? Well, hooray for you. I actually wrote it down. The first part of my plan was... (4/29/02)