Dinner Date

by Violet Tiara

May 27, 2002

Swizzle-stick me in a jar,
mastodons in foreign cars.
Oh what lovely
buggering bubbly
sex shows on starships tonight!

Chew up those rancid tulips
like I know you want to, Stone Phillips.
Belching out butterflies,
watching them flutter by,
gastric delights hued in blue.

Don't be so dumb,
dressed up and down in that bubblegum.
Don't you know you're the queen?
Practical jokes are so mean.
My lady you drink like a whore.

Rubber wigs are low-fuss.
Parsley sprigs condemn us.
Slap on that wig
and shit out a fig,
see if they won't now get us a table!

Stone Phillips, the queen and me,
dancing on MTV.
Dining on the finest
low-calorie vaginas
this posh restaurant can provide us.

Laughing whenever we see
the bluebirds of jealousy.
Asking a Yeti
with a ceramic machete
to kindly pass the spicy mustards.

The creature, a teacher, a pig and the pope
sang a song all about their plans to elope.
And with a loud blast
the ballroom was gassed
(and though it was passed)
I don't think that was spicy mustard.

Quote of the Day

“Even the smallest man among us can accomplish truly great things. And when it's over, it takes less beer for him to get drunk. That is truly great.”

-Leonard Rutland, Professional Drinking Fisherman

Fortune 500 Cookie

What are you keeping that scab for? Throw that thing away already, for Christ's sake. Too many cooks spoil the broth, and so does putting sun-dried mayonnaise in it. Remember when dad told you you'd one day do something great? You will this weekâ€”remember he said that, that is.

Try again later.

Top 5 Questions in the Wake of the Harry Whittington Shooting

1.	How come it took so long to find out there were no weapons of mass destruction?
2.	Why do they call it birdshot instead of leadshot? And, as a follow-up, what's buckshot?
3.	What did Whittington know, and when?
4.	When exactly did Brangelina hear about it?
5.	So, where do you wanna eat?

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