Dinner Date

by Violet Tiara

May 27, 2002

Swizzle-stick me in a jar,
mastodons in foreign cars.
Oh what lovely
buggering bubbly
sex shows on starships tonight!

Chew up those rancid tulips
like I know you want to, Stone Phillips.
Belching out butterflies,
watching them flutter by,
gastric delights hued in blue.

Don't be so dumb,
dressed up and down in that bubblegum.
Don't you know you're the queen?
Practical jokes are so mean.
My lady you drink like a whore.

Rubber wigs are low-fuss.
Parsley sprigs condemn us.
Slap on that wig
and shit out a fig,
see if they won't now get us a table!

Stone Phillips, the queen and me,
dancing on MTV.
Dining on the finest
low-calorie vaginas
this posh restaurant can provide us.

Laughing whenever we see
the bluebirds of jealousy.
Asking a Yeti
with a ceramic machete
to kindly pass the spicy mustards.

The creature, a teacher, a pig and the pope
sang a song all about their plans to elope.
And with a loud blast
the ballroom was gassed
(and though it was passed)
I don't think that was spicy mustard.

Quote of the Day

“the commune is back? All right! Wait, what the fuck is the commune? What? Now Iâ€™m going to kick your ass for getting me excited for nothing.”

-Ron Tangley

Fortune 500 Cookie

This is the week everything changes for you. Yep, even those underwear. Go get a spatula. We all agree that your breasts are attractive, but usually a guy needs a follow-up act to really reel in the ladies. Try learning to play the lute this week, just carrying it around isnâ€™t impressing anyone. This weekâ€™s lucky fuckers: Fucker G. Robinson (the worldâ€™s second-richest and seventh-most-unfortunately-named man), mother, Megan Foxâ€™s boyfriend, and whoeverâ€™s sleeping with that hot girl on the Mortonâ€™s Salt container (oh get over it, sheâ€™s totally grown up by now).

Try again later.

Top Reasons for Honking

1.	Air-horn busted
2.	Thought I saw nipples
3.	Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road!
4.	Song needed a horn part
5.	Lonely
6.	That bumper sticker is right!
7.	Fluent in Morse code and proud of it
8.	Needed to clear path on sidewalk
9.	I know that guy!
10.	Because I can

Drink a Toast to the Liver
Consider once The lonely liver Liver of a life deemed lower By those organs hip and trendy Who might be smaller or more bendy Consider twice The noble liver Throbbing like a might river Toiling in the depths and murky When we drink too... (5/13/02)

The Rickles
The Rickles like tickles and pickles and pee. The Zicklers are sticklers for conformity. The Mounces eat rayguns, the Olaffs smoke brie, Where did they all come from? Beats the crap out of me. I once wed a Shloopa 'neath the Caspian... (4/29/02)

Midnight Snack
All the summer dumplings want to eat me alive, I get a hostile greeting even before I arrive! Oh me oh my, I've pissed off the pie! What an unfortunate fate! Why'd I have to delve into the custard so late? Now my gentle dreamland has been... (4/15/02)