The Rickles

by Violet Tiara

April 29, 2002

The Rickles like tickles
and pickles and pee.
The Zicklers are sticklers
for conformity.
The Mounces eat rayguns,
the Olaffs smoke brie,
Where did they all come from?
Beats the crap out of me.

I once wed a Shloopa
'neath the Caspian moon,
He wooed me with riddles
and Caspian tunes,
His body was tattooed with Caspian runes,
He would have been perfect, 'cept he came too soon.

An Arkk in the dark is a dangerous thing,
And you would just melt to hear a Velt sing,
Leave the phone alone, should a Krooka-crap ring,
Or you might soon find your own butt in a sling.

These things I tell you, not to be bossy,
But rather to guide you like Velma Van Vossy,
Betwixt creatures who's features are subtle and strange,
A tour through the sewer, your mind it may change.

A Ming is a thing who's mind is quite blank
A Frink likes to think, and it smells like a tank
A Broward's a coward, if I must be frank
But if you don't want trouble: address it by rank.

"But this is all make-believe!" I hear you protest
as you creep over a Rooka-loop nest
Though you are doubtful, I heed you: be wary
The ones that bite are all imaginary.

Quote of the Day

“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”

-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054

Fortune 500 Cookie

Now's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.

Try again later.

Top 5 Saddam Hussein Defenses

1.	Play ol' Islamic Jihad card
2.	Cast suspicion on Burt Reynolds, give jury reasonable doubt
3.	Surprise witnesses: Several Kurds he didn't condemn to death
4.	Present several bags of children's letters he received
5.	Comical "I have good newsâ€”I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance" gag defense

Midnight Snack
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Naomi, I Moan
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa -- "Sex at noon taxes." Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live, Pull up if I pull up! Dammit, I'm mad! Dennis and Edna sinned! Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era? Don't nod, Go hang a salami, I'm a... (4/1/02)

Bummer
Silent ducks are deafening Kansas in the crapper Can you burn an effigy While plugging in the clapper? Loneliness is like a shoe Or maybe like a beaver Kind of wish that waitress chick Had chose me over Stever. People stand and look at... (3/18/02)