Just the Fags, Ma'am

April 15, 2002

Stop! Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with a brand new edition.

That's what I hear anyway. I wonder what it could be about? Hopefully it's more fun than that lame one where he says he's got phatter rhymes than the New York Times. Sheesh. Everybody knows it's the New York POST that's dope on a rope. Freakin' amateurs.

Anybody seen the new Daewoo sedan? Talk about the sweetest thing since eight pounds of cotton candy stuffed up the Qwik bunny's ass. Damn.

Woah, almost freaked out there. I had this dream the other day that I got caught wearing a pink hat in North Korea, and it wasn't pretty. The situation, that is, the hat itself was actually pretty nice. But I just saw some guy wearing a pink hat outside and I thought for a second I was going to get caned. Wsheeeew.

That's the sound owls make when they whisper. It means "Pssst. I just coughed up an owl pellet into your gas tank. Have a nice day."

Going out tonight, I'm assuming m'lady is ready for an evening of dinner and dancing. Have you ever met m'lady? Four foot tall Malaysian guy, goddamn if that midget can't dance. He knows twelve different steps named after neurological disorders alone.

Oh, speaking of dancing, I have a wedding to go to this weekend! I wonder what kind of music they'll play, if I should dress for the Fox-trot or the Lambada? I have some breakaway pants I've really been dying to try out. I hope they play Thriller. Does it count as "dancing" if I just do "the worm" the whole time I'm there? "Hey, dude! Can you worm on over there and get me a slice of cake?" "Right on! -wormwormwormworm-". This is going to be great, I've never been to a breakdancing wedding before. "I now pronounce you... Breakin' Ill to the Max! You may Electric Boogaloo! -priest does 'the windmill' as a circle forms around the altar-". I can't wait.

I'm sure you understand that with all of this excitement abounding, it's practically mandated that I get my glory sleep.

Wake me when the trumpets start.

Milestones

1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.

Now Hiring

Bounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.

Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court

1.	Official legal definition of "fucked up"
2.	Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast
3.	Discount a minimum of ten urban legends
4.	Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all
5.	Reverse hundreds of years of progress

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Camp with Me, Only Separately
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Welcome to the Machine
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