Midnight Snack

by Frank Niebaum

April 15, 2002

All the summer dumplings want to eat me alive,
I get a hostile greeting even before I arrive!
Oh me oh my, I've pissed off the pie!
What an unfortunate fate!
Why'd I have to delve into the custard so late?

Now my gentle dreamland has been turned all amiss,
Not a single baby here to give me a kiss!
No hills made of quilts, no drummers on stilts,
My dreamscape has gone all wrong!
Goodbye to Brahms and hello to this Zydeco song!

Moon, my friend, oh what I'd give to see your wide smile,
Every cake I bite into is filled with a file!
No cow up there jumping, the breastmilk is pumping,
The little dog's barfing up crack!
The spoon is gone, the plate is having a heart attack!

Why'd I have to eat those dozen Cadbury eggs?
Why not leave the chocolate bunny, or at least his legs?
That damn midnight snack that I wish I had back,
Oh please dear God let me wake!
At least get these sheep to rehab, for goodness sake.

Quote of the Day

“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret itâ€”all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”

-Ambruce Fierce

Fortune 500 Cookie

Stick it where the sun don't shineâ€”that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.

Try again later.

How Gay is Our Dance Instructor?

1.	Flaming
2.	Scorching
3.	Richard Simmons Riding a Pink Giraffe
4.	Alphabetizes Trading Spaces Tape Collection
5.	Pretty Darn Gay

Naomi, I Moan
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa -- "Sex at noon taxes." Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live, Pull up if I pull up! Dammit, I'm mad! Dennis and Edna sinned! Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era? Don't nod, Go hang a salami, I'm a... (4/1/02)

Bummer
Silent ducks are deafening Kansas in the crapper Can you burn an effigy While plugging in the clapper? Loneliness is like a shoe Or maybe like a beaver Kind of wish that waitress chick Had chose me over Stever. People stand and look at... (3/18/02)

Have You Ever Loved?
Have you ever loved like the whistling wind of a barn swallow's nostril-hole? Have you ever lived like a merchant prince on quiche and curry dumplings? I think not. Have you ever stared into the face of time like a fearless mutant... (3/4/02)