Bummer

by Paul Renaldo

March 18, 2002

Silent ducks are deafening
Kansas in the crapper
Can you burn an effigy
While plugging in the clapper?

Loneliness is like a shoe
Or maybe like a beaver
Kind of wish that waitress chick
Had chose me over Stever.

People stand and look at me,
Their eye-holes full of eyes
Maybe they're the ones like beavers
Digging for a prize.

Emptiness is like a boat
Full of lots of nothing
Go ahead and check one out
If you think I'm bluffing.

Or maybe more like a parking lot
That's got no trucks or cars.
Just shoes and a couple of lonely beavers
Playing electric guitars.

Tumbleweeds are full of bees
My head is full of hair roots
My heart is like the lonely hunter
That the black bear shoots.

Listen, sometimes it's hard to tell
What exactly is like a beaver
But that waitress was hot as hell
Hey man, Fuck you Stever.

Quote of the Day

“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Jesus, I'm wasted.”

-Dan Quayle

Fortune 500 Cookie

Don't stop thinking about tomorrowâ€”we hear if you're late to your own castration they charge double. Anyone can be a hero to a small child, just buy a monster truck and never take your sunglasses off. Try eating more greens: we find it hilarious and it pisses off those asshole golfers. This week's lucky medical procedures not covered by Medicaid: assectomy, therapeutic genital massage, gene therapy for "itchy taint," installation of a second "failsafe" spare heartâ€”baboon or otherwise, and goat removal.

Try again later.

John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes

1.	Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.	Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3.	"I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.	Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.	Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election

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