Have You Ever Loved?

by Violet Tiara

March 4, 2002

Have you ever loved
like the whistling wind
of a barn swallow's nostril-hole?
Have you ever lived
like a merchant prince
on quiche and curry dumplings?
I think not.

Have you ever stared
into the face of time
like a fearless mutant hunchback
with a huge sword and a locket around his
neck that contains a picture of a tulip?
Ha, I find it truly unlikely.

Have you ever sung
the song that meal-mice sing
when the stars line up
and form a picture of
deposed Chinese dictator Quang-Sin-Joon?
I don't believe you.

Have you ever dreamed
the way that oceans dream
of ice ages and black holes?
Have you ever smelled
an odor so complex
it carried the secrets of the universe?
Not as long as I've known you.

Have you ever danced
on an enchanted morn
with Irish water spirits
and some kind of bizarre
half dog-man who's always
carrying a freshly cooked pizza?
I'd like to see you prove it.

Have you ever pulled
your own throat out
through your mouth and
then played your intestines
like a bagpipe?

Really? I could barf!

Quote of the Day

“Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. The second to last refuge of the scoundrel is a cave in the Ozarks. Third to last? Under the bed in a four-star hotel in Paris. Fourth? Puns. Puns are the fourth-to-last refuge of the scoundrel.”

-Johnuel Samson

Fortune 500 Cookie

Whoever cut your jib, they fucked it all up, dude. Try wearing more spandex this week, your current quantities aren't providing sufficient coverage. Remember: an ounce of prevention is worth an inch of milk-fed veal. This week's lucky pizza restaurant mascots: The Noidette, Little Greaser, Humpy the Pizza Camel, "Cheese Dick" Richard Romano, Lumpy-Thighed Sex Goddess Valotta Ricotta.

Try again later.

John Kerry's Vision for America

1.	Americans shouldn't be despised everywhere abroad; only France
2.	Health care for each and every American with insurance
3.	A chicken in every pot, and pot for everyone without a chicken
4.	Make Affleck and J-Lo realize they're still in love
5.	Sterilize all Bush males

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