The Land and the Sea

by Ulysses P. Crackbutter

February 4, 2002

The land is in love
with the sea, you see?
And drinks it in
nightly and day (time).
When the land it breathes in,
The ocean runs to him,
And when he exhales
The sea runs away.
His doctor says "Ocean!
You stop this at once!
Your sodium intake is absurd!
Have you tried switching to rainwater once,
Mixed with the occasional bird?
Be sensible man, you can't keep this up!
Your blood pressure levels are frightening!
If you don't quit, your lava will spurt,
And your heart will be attacked by lightning!"

The land, he tried to heed the advice,
And all of low tide he was good.
But when the tide came up later that day
He drank in much more than he should.
His doctor was miffed, he puffed and he whiffed,
But the courtship was just meant to be.
And when he went out on his yacht that same day
That same doctor drown in the sea.
And the land's still in love with the sea, you see?
Now this story is not only mine
And furthermore, I wouldn't mess with the sea...
Unless you want lungs full of brine!

Milestones

1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.

Now Hiring

Bounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.

Top Frustrating Wi-Fi Dead Spots

1.	Flower bed outside ex-wife's bedroom window
2.	Antarctica. Most of it.
3.	Men's room at the zoo
4.	Twilight Zone
5.	Raging Waters: the whole goddamned theme park

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Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream I once had about a dream that I had once before The one where the fish flip and follow each other diving deep in the dark down below The one where I'm swimming safe and secure sailing a salt-silent sea ... (1/7/02)

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Oh, to be a phantom sunflake resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile. An elf's aorta, a unicorn's anusâ€” none could be as sweet. As to be a lonely sunflake munching on a leek. Rainbows tease me, ogres please... (12/24/01)