When I Was Nine

by Violet Tiara

January 21, 2002

When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.

When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.

When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to Aruba.
I wanted to dance
but he shucked off his pants
as he nakedly played on his tuba.

When I was six
I picked up some tricks
from hanging with Leo and Cancer.
Cancer liked to gab,
but Leo ate the crab.
I asked why and he burped up an answer.

When I was five
I felt most alive
and went over the falls in a barrel.
It wasn't a dare
that had placed me there,
but I had misplaced my apparel.

When I was four
life was mostly a bore
and I spent my time chatting with flowers.
Mom thought it quaint
but dad said it ain't
and he made me drink four whiskey sours.

When I was three
I was in love with the sea
and was loved by the sea and the land.
But by three and a half,
I had switched to decaf
and dropped the ocean for a competing brand.

When I was two
I had nothing to do
and things had nothing to do with me.
But at two and a half,
while seeking a laugh,
the ice monkeys taught me to ski.

When I was one,
I got nothing done.
I did not a single damned thing.
I sat on my ass,
chewing dirt clods and grass.

What did you do when you were one? Write a goddamned book?

Quote of the Day

“Upon being stopped by the Customs Officer during my trip to America, he asked: 'Have you anything to declare?' I burst forward, telling him, 'Only my genius!' I was promptly beaten to a piteous pulp and subjected to a humiliating search. Needless to say, they found my weed.”

-Wildman Oscar Davies

Fortune 500 Cookie

By next week you will not believe what passes for a blowjob these days. Guess how many quarters I have in my left pocket and I will be quite surprised. I said don't cauliflower last week? I did? That doesn't sound like something I'd say. Remember, trust no one. Including me. If you believe that, you're a fool.

Try again later.

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