When I Was Nine

by Violet Tiara

January 21, 2002

When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.

When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.

When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to Aruba.
I wanted to dance
but he shucked off his pants
as he nakedly played on his tuba.

When I was six
I picked up some tricks
from hanging with Leo and Cancer.
Cancer liked to gab,
but Leo ate the crab.
I asked why and he burped up an answer.

When I was five
I felt most alive
and went over the falls in a barrel.
It wasn't a dare
that had placed me there,
but I had misplaced my apparel.

When I was four
life was mostly a bore
and I spent my time chatting with flowers.
Mom thought it quaint
but dad said it ain't
and he made me drink four whiskey sours.

When I was three
I was in love with the sea
and was loved by the sea and the land.
But by three and a half,
I had switched to decaf
and dropped the ocean for a competing brand.

When I was two
I had nothing to do
and things had nothing to do with me.
But at two and a half,
while seeking a laugh,
the ice monkeys taught me to ski.

When I was one,
I got nothing done.
I did not a single damned thing.
I sat on my ass,
chewing dirt clods and grass.

What did you do when you were one? Write a goddamned book?

Quote of the Day

“No poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Unless we're talking Gandhi, but what fun is it taking a cudgel to the nuts for your country? None, that's how much.”

-Gorgeous George Spatten

Fortune 500 Cookie

Prepare for a fantastic journey of whimsy and wonder, and it's going to cost you $20â€”don't forget you can't touch her. Your keys are always in the last place you left them, so try looking at the bottom of Lake Chappaquiddick. What's up grandma's ass? What a bitch. When this particular problem comes along, literally whipping it will only result in jail time. Lucky skin blemishes: blackhead, pockmark, knife wound, stigmata.

Try again later.

Top 5 Pre-Rapture Activities

1.	Making fun of people who believe in the rapture
2.	Borrowing money from people who believe in the rapture
3.	Ironic Masturbation
4.	Angry Birds
5.	Monopoly: Rapture Edition, or prayer, whatever everybodyâ€™s up for

Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream I once had about a dream that I had once before The one where the fish flip and follow each other diving deep in the dark down below The one where I'm swimming safe and secure sailing a salt-silent sea ... (1/7/02)

Sunflake
Oh, to be a phantom sunflake resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile. An elf's aorta, a unicorn's anusâ€” none could be as sweet. As to be a lonely sunflake munching on a leek. Rainbows tease me, ogres please... (12/24/01)

The Visitors
Snooty bugle-playing burglars Why do you bother me? Go to hell, you naked buglers Cease your melody. Who invited uncooked hamhocks All these pigs I see? Go away, freeloading pork pies Get out my Christmas tree. Get out Santa, get out Elvis Get out... (12/10/01)