09/20/26
Sure as shit, but smelling sweeter
|  When I Was Nineby Violet Tiara   January 21, 2002 When I was nine
I had a very fine time and a very fine time had me. I bothered no one as I high-fived the sun and I slept in a mulberry tree. When I was eight I went on a date with the moon and the stars and the Venus. We went out to eat and the moon treated me sweet until I refused to touch his thingy. When I was seven and the night was eleven we went on a cruise to Aruba. I wanted to dance but he shucked off his pants as he nakedly played on his tuba. When I was six I picked up some tricks from hanging with Leo and Cancer. Cancer liked to gab, but Leo ate the crab. I asked why and he burped up an answer. When I was five I felt most alive and went over the falls in a barrel. It wasn't a dare that had placed me there, but I had misplaced my apparel. When I was four life was mostly a bore and I spent my time chatting with flowers. Mom thought it quaint but dad said it ain't and he made me drink four whiskey sours. When I was three I was in love with the sea and was loved by the sea and the land. But by three and a half, I had switched to decaf and dropped the ocean for a competing brand. When I was two I had nothing to do and things had nothing to do with me. But at two and a half, while seeking a laugh, the ice monkeys taught me to ski. When I was one, I got nothing done. I did not a single damned thing. I sat on my ass, chewing dirt clods and grass. What did you do when you were one? Write a goddamned book? Milestones1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.Now HiringBounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.Least Popular |
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Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream I once had about a dream that I had once before The one where the fish flip and follow each other diving deep in the dark down below The one where I'm swimming safe and secure sailing a salt-silent sea ... (1/7/02)
Sunflake
Oh, to be a phantom sunflake resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile. An elf's aorta, a unicorn's anus— none could be as sweet. As to be a lonely sunflake munching on a leek. Rainbows tease me, ogres please... (12/24/01)
The Visitors
Snooty bugle-playing burglars Why do you bother me? Go to hell, you naked buglers Cease your melody. Who invited uncooked hamhocks All these pigs I see? Go away, freeloading pork pies Get out my Christmas tree. Get out Santa, get out Elvis Get out... (12/10/01)
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream I once had about a dream that I had once before The one where the fish flip and follow each other diving deep in the dark down below The one where I'm swimming safe and secure sailing a salt-silent sea ... (1/7/02)
Sunflake
Oh, to be a phantom sunflake resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile. An elf's aorta, a unicorn's anus— none could be as sweet. As to be a lonely sunflake munching on a leek. Rainbows tease me, ogres please... (12/24/01)
The Visitors
Snooty bugle-playing burglars Why do you bother me? Go to hell, you naked buglers Cease your melody. Who invited uncooked hamhocks All these pigs I see? Go away, freeloading pork pies Get out my Christmas tree. Get out Santa, get out Elvis Get out... (12/10/01)
Reproduction in hole or in parts without permission is likely to piss off her dad big time.