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04/10/26   
Come for the pie, stay for the complete lack of pie

When I Was Nine

by Violet Tiara
bio/email
January 21, 2002
When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.

When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.

When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to Aruba.
I wanted to dance
but he shucked off his pants
as he nakedly played on his tuba.

When I was six
I picked up some tricks
from hanging with Leo and Cancer.
Cancer liked to gab,
but Leo ate the crab.
I asked why and he burped up an answer.

When I was five
I felt most alive
and went over the falls in a barrel.
It wasn't a dare
that had placed me there,
but I had misplaced my apparel.

When I was four
life was mostly a bore
and I spent my time chatting with flowers.
Mom thought it quaint
but dad said it ain't
and he made me drink four whiskey sours.

When I was three
I was in love with the sea
and was loved by the sea and the land.
But by three and a half,
I had switched to decaf
and dropped the ocean for a competing brand.

When I was two
I had nothing to do
and things had nothing to do with me.
But at two and a half,
while seeking a laugh,
the ice monkeys taught me to ski.

When I was one,
I got nothing done.
I did not a single damned thing.
I sat on my ass,
chewing dirt clods and grass.

What did you do when you were one? Write a goddamned book?


Quote of the Day
“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I did not get my head blown off by a gorilla fluent in sign language and wielding a shotgun. He was only a man in a gorilla suit, and the weapon a mere .38 handgun. I just wanted to sound important.”

-Mack Twain
Fortune 500 Cookie
It's about time you learned to play bass. The bad fish you had last weekend will finally cause food poisoning sometime in the next week. With great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes, executive bathroom privileges. Lucky numbers 86, 75, 30, and 9.


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