The Visitors

by Eli Snaubertzen

December 10, 2001

Snooty bugle-playing burglars
Why do you bother me?
Go to hell, you naked buglers
Cease your melody.

Who invited uncooked hamhocks
All these pigs I see?
Go away, freeloading pork pies
Get out my Christmas tree.

Get out Santa, get out Elvis
Get out Sandra Dee.
I don't recall inviting anyone
To share my ginger tea.

Mister Walrus, Miss November
Tell me did you see
A sign hung from my door that said
"Please come and bother me"?

Were my windows not shut tightly?
Did my door not lock?
Was the hint too vague and subtle,
When I threw that rock?

Go on, get out! Every last shrew!
Every last motorcycle cop!
And I will surely lose my patience
Unless those bongos stop!

Clear out my house! Get out the door!
Leave my city block!
Don't come back here even if
You forgot your sock!

No more mastiffs, no more lawyers,
No more mimes or cows
No more microbes selling Amway
Leave and I mean Now!

What now? What's that?
No, my pills ran out.
Goodness, you're right, call the doctor!
Thank you, Mr Trout.

Milestones

2004: President Bush, in a farewell address to the nation, apologizes for corruption in his administration and senseless slaughter of American lives, as well as the mangling of the language (courtesy of Future Bob).

Now Hiring

New Now Hiring Guy. What can we say? Richie quit. Stupid, if you ask us. It was a sweet gig. Most of time he never even got any applications or resumes to review. He just made up half these jobs, but don't tell anyone we said so. You just can't make some people happy.

Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips

1.	Carbs are like the devilâ€™s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.	After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.	Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, youâ€™ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you wonâ€™t be so upset when you find out youâ€™re still fat.
4.	Youâ€™re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.	At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.

Distraction
Fifteen phantom penpoints All under my control I move them deftly, swiftly smearing ink upon a single slice of paper. Sixteen sweatered titties Distracting me so simply from my fifteen phantom penpoints Nothing worthwhile written, once... (11/26/01)

Shuns
Who has been flushing your worldly possessions? Replacing your wardrobe with out-of-date fashions? Making your schnauzer do Nixon impressions? Squeezing your neighbors for seedy confessions? Coating your lips with pre-cancerious lesions? ... (11/12/01)

The Waistland
April be the month that's meaner Than a shot of carburetor cleaner Or an icy, uncooked wiener Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore". "Ain't my lookout," said the genie, in a voice so tiny, teeny Ned thought it a baby, beanie And burned down the... (10/29/01)