The Waistland

by Ned Nedmiller

October 29, 2001

April be the month that's meaner
Than a shot of carburetor cleaner
Or an icy, uncooked wiener
Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore".

"Ain't my lookout," said the genie,
in a voice so tiny, teeny
Ned thought it a baby, beanie
And burned down the store just to be safe.

The chair he sat in, folded nicely
But his bits were getting icy
There ice fishing by the Diner
Should have brought his own recliner.

Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead
Flew from Phoenix, or so he said
With a seabird on his head
Sea World's sorry, Shamu fed.

As Ned walked out the sun was hidin'
Behind a cowboy walrus ridin'
On a dipstick with twelve feet
Dumbstruck people turned to wheat.

And in a van down by the river
Big Fat Albert clutched his liver
And sung out with jubilation:

"We don't need no Neducation
We don't need no rent control
No dark bananas burping Shakespeare
Tee-shirt leave those Keds alone!
All in all you're just another dick in the mall."

And Ned's toaster thought this funny
And Ned's eggs found themselves runny
And somewhere six bags of money
Sang a song of sex pants that goes:

"Knock knock here come the glacier
Whoozat sleep in my bed?
Neddy-by your cups is all broken
Lois Lane ate the Grateful Dead."

And since it was late
And the river was cold
Ned's pants were lost
And his grandpa was old

He sat down by the fire
And loosened his tie
And he and Fat Albert
Ate a raven pie.

Quote of the Day

“Sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much. Okay, you want the truth? It's not the honesty. It's that really rough patch of skin you have. Have you ever been to a doctor for shingles?”

-Hildy Daniels

Fortune 500 Cookie

This Bud's for you; at least, that's what I'm telling the cops if they pull us over. You'll be horrified to learn that woman you've been ogling in that "Physical" video for years is mom. White man finally break treaty again, just like you been expecting all these years. Take the Rockford Files theme off your answering machine already, the joke was old in 1994.

Try again later.

Top New Year's Resolutions

1.	Quit being such an asshole
2.	Exercise every day. Every Arbor Day.
3.	Kill them all
4.	Lose 20 pounds to limey con artist
5.	Quit smoking halibut

The Crab
"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest," said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest; I told him that I didn't think it was funny. "Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?" he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck my cock, because... (10/15/01)

Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)

in DAD'S basement
at night A lone i watch HAPPY DAYS whilst sleeping lies dad turn it DOWN says dad and bangs upon the floor sometimes i wish i was the FONZ make believe dad was mr. C he would give fatherly advice instead of calling me shithead i would bring home... (9/17/01)