The Waistland

by Ned Nedmiller

October 29, 2001

April be the month that's meaner
Than a shot of carburetor cleaner
Or an icy, uncooked wiener
Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore".

"Ain't my lookout," said the genie,
in a voice so tiny, teeny
Ned thought it a baby, beanie
And burned down the store just to be safe.

The chair he sat in, folded nicely
But his bits were getting icy
There ice fishing by the Diner
Should have brought his own recliner.

Phlebas the Phoenician, a fortnight dead
Flew from Phoenix, or so he said
With a seabird on his head
Sea World's sorry, Shamu fed.

As Ned walked out the sun was hidin'
Behind a cowboy walrus ridin'
On a dipstick with twelve feet
Dumbstruck people turned to wheat.

And in a van down by the river
Big Fat Albert clutched his liver
And sung out with jubilation:

"We don't need no Neducation
We don't need no rent control
No dark bananas burping Shakespeare
Tee-shirt leave those Keds alone!
All in all you're just another dick in the mall."

And Ned's toaster thought this funny
And Ned's eggs found themselves runny
And somewhere six bags of money
Sang a song of sex pants that goes:

"Knock knock here come the glacier
Whoozat sleep in my bed?
Neddy-by your cups is all broken
Lois Lane ate the Grateful Dead."

And since it was late
And the river was cold
Ned's pants were lost
And his grandpa was old

He sat down by the fire
And loosened his tie
And he and Fat Albert
Ate a raven pie.

Quote of the Day

“They say you are what you eat, which is precisely why I ate fine young Bernard. Though I regret to report that I feel largely unchanged, except for the part about being in prison and having a permanent case of indigestion.”

-Percy "The Cannibal" Dandridge

Fortune 500 Cookie

Nobody knows the trouble you've seen, and you'll keep it that way if you know what's good for ya, bub. Try mixing your unique brand of illiterate rage with random fits of giggling this week. People hate it when you bring your own records to be played on the jukeboxâ€”it's just a soda joint, asshole. This week's lucky piercings: throat, spleen, tear duct, tooth.

Try again later.

Top Things Overheard at Your High School Reunion

1.	"Oh My Godâ€”you haven't changed your clothes a bit!"
2.	"I haven't seen you since the date rape."
3.	"Man, were you right about Dishwalla. One-hit wonders."
4.	"Best friends 4-ever, my ass! Where were you at the trial, motherfucker?!?"
5.	"That guy used to be a real dick. Don't let that priest outfit fool you."
6.	"You still owe me four push-ups, wiseguyâ€”don't think I've forgotten."
7.	"Want to dance with me, Charlie? Or is it Charlene now?"
8.	"The old gymnasium still smells like burned fleshâ€”what memories!"
9.	"So tell me why we needed to learn proofs again?"
10.	"Mr. 'Most Likely to Succeed' came into Denny's last night for an application. Revenge, like our soup, is best served cold."

The Crab
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Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)

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