We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actually

At one time a distant relative of mine told a timid and anxious nation that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. And mostly I agree with that, except I thought I'd ammend it since it's a different world today.

For one, first and foremost, in the wake of recent events, there is a renewedfear of bio-terrorism. Anthrax, anthrax everywhere! Sure, it would seem likewe're not in any immediate danger if we don't work for politicians or newspeople, but now they say that crap can rub off on other mail just by being mixed together. Whoa-ho! That ought to send a chill creeping right up your spine.

Let's not forget what started all this panic. We have to admit that we have terrorist attacks and retaliation to fear. More specifically, we have crazy hijackers commandeering planes and flying them into national monuments and highly-populated tourist attractions to fear. Not to mention long-standing favorite terrorist actions, like driving exploding trucks or cars into populated buildings or planting undetectable bombs where we can't find them to fear. That's pretty scary shit.

Then there's the whole idea of Muslim retaliation from foreign countries and militant groups that side with terrorists. They could rip apart global alliances or even, in most drastic situations, start a holy war with our country. Jesus damn! How did this shit get started? You're goddamn right we have that to fear, even if not as much as some of the other stuff first. And everybody's got a nuclear bomb these days. What if some nutjob decides to set it off? Or the president gets really pissed off or we elect some senial nut like Reagan, remember the '80s when every day you woke up thinking today is going to be the day that wrinkled fascist thinks he's he's buzzing his secretary and BOOM! Fucking Ameritoast. So even if we don't get bombed by our enemies we could explode ourselves into smithereens, thank you very much, Mr. As-Yet-Unknown Senial President of the Future.

Oh, shit, I didn't even mention trying to get on a plane. If you think those college dropouts laid off from the McDonald's are going to check your bag well enough to find any potential weapon, good luck to you. These guys are lucky to dress themselves in the morning, I bet. Or they'll be so busy checking for Arabs with boxcutters they'll let Johnny Militia and his constituency of fruitcakes through the metal detectors with Ryder truck manure bombs strapped to their fucking back. Remember, it wasn't so long ago when young white Americans were the biggest enemy to freedom you'd ever fucking seen. These assholes are so worried about the threat the U.N. poses to us they must have missed, oh, I guess the part of the Constitution that says don't blow up your own fucking country, you dumbasses.

And that ain't it, no sirs. Let's not forget the big G, the Creator, the Man Upstairs, His Holy Capitalized Self. He's always giving us the shit: Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Earthquakes—check that out, wake up for a nice day of going to work and making some bread and the fucking ground opens up under you! Holy shit! Forgot to mention that part in the Bible, eh, Your Holy Groundripper, Sir? I don't know what apostle was supposed too get that shit into the Bible but he sure fucked up big time.

Then there's always the dumb shit. Getting hit by lightning, falling off the house while re-shingling it, the real dumb stuff the obituary columns won't even print 'cause it looks so retarded. And then there's car accidents up the whazoo. Car accidents claim more people in a regular year than any terrorist attacks do.

And disease and cancer and getting shot by some random dumbass who thinks you flipped him off in traffic. Shit, you know what, I don't even want to get up in the morning anymore. Nothing to fear but fear itself? Yeah, that's kind of right, ol' Mr. Roosevelt. Although I think you forgot to mention, oh, EVERYTHING. Thank you very fucking much.

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