The Crab

by E.L. Pout

October 15, 2001

"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest,"
said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest;
I told him that I didn't think it was funny.
"Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?"
he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck
my cock, because he's not getting my money.

At these words he paused, and dabbed at the blood
which flowed from his nose in an unfettered flood;
a honey bear filled up with blood, not with honey,
and the spout at his nose, not the crown of his head--
I couldn't believe that the guy wasn't dead.
Wait, was he a monkey or was he a bunny?

Milestones

1993: Ramon Nootles graduates from San Dimas Community College with a degree in Questionable Journalism, the first degree of its kind offered in America, and a minor in Poontang Studies.

Now Hiring

Iron Monkey. We saw the movie and thought the ancient Chinese legend might be the guy to get the ninja we hired out of our offices. Lame-ass ninja, poison-darting Lefty the mail clerk and skittering across the tops of the computer towers.

QVC Top Sellers

1.	Edible Bacon Sleeping Mask
2.	Avocado Clock
3.	Big Bag 'o Cubic Zirconiums
4.	Electronic Feces Sniffer
5.	"Great Jews of the 60's" Trading Card Set

Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)

in DAD'S basement
at night A lone i watch HAPPY DAYS whilst sleeping lies dad turn it DOWN says dad and bangs upon the floor sometimes i wish i was the FONZ make believe dad was mr. C he would give fatherly advice instead of calling me shithead i would bring home... (9/17/01)

Hairy Walnuts
I fed my cat some hairy walnuts My poor kitty doesn't like hairy walnuts I forced the cat to eat those nuts and then I watched him puke them up He ran away when he was done and hasn't come back yet I don't think he ever will that stupid cat ... (7/16/01)