The Crab

by E.L. Pout

October 15, 2001

"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest,"
said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest;
I told him that I didn't think it was funny.
"Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?"
he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck
my cock, because he's not getting my money.

At these words he paused, and dabbed at the blood
which flowed from his nose in an unfettered flood;
a honey bear filled up with blood, not with honey,
and the spout at his nose, not the crown of his head--
I couldn't believe that the guy wasn't dead.
Wait, was he a monkey or was he a bunny?

Quote of the Day

“History is written by Jonathan Winters.”

-Germaine "Double Dip" Proverb

Fortune 500 Cookie

For God's sake, don't climb up in that porcupine tree. Sorry, being optimistic still won't get you a discount on eyeglasses. Remember, "lambast" is neither a compliment nor a veterinary term. This week, you will find love where you least expected it: up the ass. Your lucky disguise: a giant plastic toucan.

Try again later.

Top Shocking New Barry Bonds Allegations

1.	Extra 45 pounds of muscle added in 1998 not actually from special "Reverse-Atkins Crazy Carboholics" diet
2.	Injected Flubber into testicles, just for hell of it
3.	Paunchy, long-haired trainer "Camaro Dan" not actual fitness expert
4.	Dosed with Nyquilâ€”during daylight hours!
5.	Bonds' bats made from genetically-modified maple trees
6.	Therapeutic skin grafts actually beef grafts
7.	Bonds-endorsed "Human Growth Flakes" cereal not safe for children
8.	Bonds didn't actually write "Surfin' Safari"
9.	Tasmanian Devil hormone injections not a court-ordered road rage treatment
10.	Friends, relatives refer to Bonds as "Skippy"

Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)

in DAD'S basement
at night A lone i watch HAPPY DAYS whilst sleeping lies dad turn it DOWN says dad and bangs upon the floor sometimes i wish i was the FONZ make believe dad was mr. C he would give fatherly advice instead of calling me shithead i would bring home... (9/17/01)

Hairy Walnuts
I fed my cat some hairy walnuts My poor kitty doesn't like hairy walnuts I forced the cat to eat those nuts and then I watched him puke them up He ran away when he was done and hasn't come back yet I don't think he ever will that stupid cat ... (7/16/01)