The Crab

by E.L. Pout

October 15, 2001

"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest,"
said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest;
I told him that I didn't think it was funny.
"Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?"
he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck
my cock, because he's not getting my money.

At these words he paused, and dabbed at the blood
which flowed from his nose in an unfettered flood;
a honey bear filled up with blood, not with honey,
and the spout at his nose, not the crown of his head--
I couldn't believe that the guy wasn't dead.
Wait, was he a monkey or was he a bunny?

Milestones

1858: 26th president and idol of Red Bagel Teddy Roosevelt is born, only a month before Bagel's birth. We know technically this is impossible, but we didn't get cushy date-checking jobs by questioning the big man.

Now Hiring

Bounced Czech. Resume and references not necessary, any Czechoslovakian expatriate thrown out of a club will do. True, we don't really have any job for such a person to occupy, but wouldn't it be funny to say we have a bounced Czech on staff? Think about it.

Top 5 Bush Second-Term Pledges

1.	Encourage nations to work with us again, under threat of violence
2.	Pay national deficit with Discover and Visa cards
3.	Appeal to black constituents by finally selling off "Amos & Andy" videos
4.	Build new wing of America so rich people can vacation more
5.	Two, maybe even three more inaugurations

Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)

in DAD'S basement
at night A lone i watch HAPPY DAYS whilst sleeping lies dad turn it DOWN says dad and bangs upon the floor sometimes i wish i was the FONZ make believe dad was mr. C he would give fatherly advice instead of calling me shithead i would bring home... (9/17/01)

Hairy Walnuts
I fed my cat some hairy walnuts My poor kitty doesn't like hairy walnuts I forced the cat to eat those nuts and then I watched him puke them up He ran away when he was done and hasn't come back yet I don't think he ever will that stupid cat ... (7/16/01)