The Crab

by E.L. Pout

October 15, 2001

"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest,"
said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest;
I told him that I didn't think it was funny.
"Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?"
he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck
my cock, because he's not getting my money.

At these words he paused, and dabbed at the blood
which flowed from his nose in an unfettered flood;
a honey bear filled up with blood, not with honey,
and the spout at his nose, not the crown of his head--
I couldn't believe that the guy wasn't dead.
Wait, was he a monkey or was he a bunny?

Milestones

1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, andâ€”what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!

Now Hiring

Hall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.

Least Requested Christmas Gifts

1.	Sleepover at Neverland Ranch
2.	Likes-it-Rough Elmo
3.	Virtual Crackbaby
4.	Inoperable Brain Tumor
5.	Hot Toddy, the hottest doll of 1922
6.	New Matrix sequels
7.	Saddam Hussein action figure with Hideaway Hovel playset
8.	Online Predator Chat for X-Box Live
9.	Four More Years
10.	No Hope for the Holidays, an all-star Christmas Depression

Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)

in DAD'S basement
at night A lone i watch HAPPY DAYS whilst sleeping lies dad turn it DOWN says dad and bangs upon the floor sometimes i wish i was the FONZ make believe dad was mr. C he would give fatherly advice instead of calling me shithead i would bring home... (9/17/01)

Hairy Walnuts
I fed my cat some hairy walnuts My poor kitty doesn't like hairy walnuts I forced the cat to eat those nuts and then I watched him puke them up He ran away when he was done and hasn't come back yet I don't think he ever will that stupid cat ... (7/16/01)