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07/31/26   
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Quote of the Day
“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy
Fortune 500 Cookie
All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.
Top Five Worst Things to Hear in an Iraqi Prison
1."Oh, wow! Hold still, let me get my camera!"
2."From now on, the conduct of corrections officers will be supervised by Private Pyle."
3."Looks like we're going to be here a while. Good thing I brought my harmonica."
4."These tattoos? Aryan Brotherhood."
5."And another thing—you jokers have cried 'Rape!' once too often. I'm not falling for it anymore."