"It's a quite simple and quick weight loss program. We attach this small explosive to your pasty belly, step back, and BOOM! Welcome to the thinner you."

"Which means, of course, that (dramatic pause) the butler did it!" (pause) "But...Eli...YOU'RE the butler." "Damn. I knew this seemed too easy for some reason."

Look, I told you the salad fork goes on the left!!!!!

"Eureka!" "You found the problem doctor?" "Problem? Heavens no, I have a habit of spontaneously achieving orgasm." "Oh."

An important moment in the career of the Carpenters: "I tell ya Karen. You could stand to lose a few pounds. I know I'm just your manager but gee..."

"Damn. That's the 3rd date that's commited suicide on me this week."

"Well, gooo-lee, sarge, have I got a 45 caliber surprise, surprise, surprise for you..."

"Hmm, the canary died. Time to change my socks."

"Aw, honey come look at him resting so peacefully." "Yeah... do you smell something burning?"

"Hey Mary, you sure tumbleweed are good for wipin?" "Yes dear." "Okay, if you say sooooooo..."

"Well, let's see if we managed to snag any lobsters on my wall today..."

"Excuse me, Satan, but I believe you got stripes." <giant firey hole opens up> "...okay! Okay! You can have solids!"

I'm done polishing this corner of your desk with my ass sir. Do you want me to lick the windows clean now?

"Why did I get a negative polarity full-length mirror, anyway?"

"Hey hon, look at this! There's a little needle here and when I push the pedal harder it races with the numbers. Let's see who'll win!" *brrrrrrr*