Bush Issues Quarantines for SARS, Celebrity Activists
Viruses, crazy anti-Americanism must be kept from the public
JUNIOR BACON
Celebrity activist Martin Sheen is quarantined for his own safety when he dangerously nears a microphone which could spread the contagion.
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As another step forward in the country’s re-constitutionalizing, the president decreed that it was acceptable for health officials to quarantine anyone suspected of having the SARS flu, an epidemic which has killed more than 120 people worldwide. The largest number of victims have so far been in Hong Kong, a nation renowned for people who do their own stunts.
When questioned if the administration had the power to approve such orders, large masked men detained the reporter violently and he was dragged screaming into a back room of the West Wing. Remaining correspondents looked away and tried not to make eye contact.
SARS, which may or may not stand for Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, is reaching epidemic proportions in some areas of the world. Already international flights have brought suspected SARS carriers to the United States and allowed the spread of the disease across the Atlantic and Pacific and other oceans.
Also reaching epidemic proportions, according to the Bush administration: Mouthy celebrities.
A week after his April 4 SARS quarantine executive order, Bush issued another order that allowed for temporary restraint of celebrities showing dissent on the subject of the Iraq war. Federal agents moved quickly to tranquilize Michael Moore in his New York home and seize any possible sardonic footage accrued for a future documentary.
Though no other celebrities have been selected for quarantine as of yet, many are under strict warning to reduce symptoms of celebrity activism or face forced isolation. Talk show appearances and awards shows will be monitored especially close for signs of infective dissent.
Among the most closely watched celebrities are notorious leftist opposition and those who have recent displayed insurgent opinions prior to the start of the war. Martin Sheen will still appear on NBC’s drama The West Wing, but all other appearances are subject to administration approval. Those in fear of the contagious verbosity of Sheen or other actors can have their televisions adapted with special chips that sense liberal claptrap and automatically switch the channel to Fox News.
Other precautions have been taken as well. An anniversary showing of Bull Durham at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown was called off when former Reagan aid and Hall of Fame president Peretsky worried about the communicable ideas of film stars Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. Also not recommended for viewing is The Banger Sisters, but the administration affirms it is for entirely different reasons.
The most surprising addition to the list of possibly infected celebrities in the past month was Texas’ own the Dixie Chicks, but an investigation has begun to root out the cause of the band’s newfound radicalism. Early indications suggest that the Dixie Chicks played a venue after the Beastie Boys within the past six months and singer Natalie Manes may have had close contact with a microphone used by Ad-Rock.
The administration assures the public that SARS and activist quarantines are not expected to last longer than a few months, but then asks what we would do about it even if they were.
the commune news is an outspoken Activision activist—nobody is more fervently pro-Pitfall than us. Lil Duncan is the commune’s White House correspondent and lives in a brownstone. Ironic? Not really.
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