U.S. Suspects Double is
Standing in for Hussein
Idiot brother Elmo Hussein thought to appear on video
JUNIOR BACON & ZENITH
Possible dictator brother Elmo Hussein, reading a grocery list in front of Iraq’s finest shower curtains
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U.S. intelligence experts have raised questions as to the authenticity of a videotaped speech featuring Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, which aired on Iraqi television only hours after missile attacks aimed at killing the dictator rocked a suburban Baghdad neighborhood. Iraqi officials point to the tape as proof that Hussein was not killed by the thousands of pounds of explosives that had been satellite-locked on his individual navel hairs in the attack, contrary to U.S. and British claims.
Intelligence analysts suggest that the man appearing as Saddam is actually Hussein’s double, a look-alike decoy known to be used by the dictator for certain unsavory public appearances and on particularly bad hair days. Off the record, at least one high-ranking U.S. intelligence intern believes the double to be none other than Saddam's little-known and slow-witted brother, Elmo Hussein.
Wearing a very silly pair of glasses and speaking with a slight lisp, the supposed Saddam spoke out Thursday morning against the U.S.-led attacks.
“Cookies, Cookies, Cookies. Saddam would like some cookies.”
CIA technicians began applying voiceprint analysis and other techniques to the video shortly after it aired. Early returns have been inconclusive.
“Lippety lippety lee, the bear climbed up a tree. When there was no porridge, he sucked on an orange and said ‘What a good boy is me.’”
“See the way he curls his lip when he says ‘porridge’?” CIA technician Luthor Retisma queried while pointing at a video screen. “Saddam doesn’t usually do that. He also usually doesn’t speak in such a sing-songy tone or pick his nose while the camera is running either.”
Iraqi officials vehemently deny the existence of any such double, claiming that Hussein has always spoken in nursery rhymes and was wearing the hilarious glasses because he forgot his contacts at a friend’s house.
“Whatever they’re alleging, that he got sand in his contacts or had an anvil dropped on his head or whatever, we’re doubtful,” explained an unnamed U.S. official, still bitter over not having a name. “They can come up with all kinds of creative ways to cover for Saddam’s idiot brother, but in the end technical analysis of the videotape will be the judge, jury and executioner.”
The unnamed U.S. official left the room before this reporter could ask what in the hell that meant.
As a result of Hussein’s first orders since the attacks, all Iraqi troops are to receive ice cream at once: two-scoop cones for ground troops and Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches for the elite Republican Guard.
“Well, there you go!” pointed out Iraqi ambassador Shamutz Gendal. “Saddam loves Neapolitan ice cream. Especially the strawberry part. I bet you feel silly about your silly theories now.”
Rumors of the supposed Saddam building a gigantic sand castle for his own protection could not be confirmed as of press time.
the commune news is a staunch advocate of the “Stop, Drop and Roll” method of news reporting. Lil Duncan is the commune’s Washington correspondent, a thankless job that we would like to thank her for, but can not.
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