President’s fantasy hit wins Oscar despite poor showing in Europe
ANSEL EVANS
President Bush celebrates his victory after months of lobbying Academy voters
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Operation Enduring Freedom, President Bush’s fantasy about one dyslexic man-boy’s quest to liberate Iraq from the tyranny of a dangerous criminal mastermind, claimed four Oscars last Sunday, including best adapted screenplay. The script was adapted from his father George Herbert Walker Bush’s record-grossing Operation Desert Storm, which took home nine Academy Awards in 1991, including Best Special Effects and Best Costumes.
In a tearful acceptance speech marked by his endearing broken English, the president thanked God, his campaign contributors, Big Oil, Tammy Wynette, God “and anyone who’s ever had a dream.”
After a heart-rending string of several moments when Bush forgot why he was at the podium, the president ended his speech with a salute to the father, the son and the holy thing before wandering away from the podium muttering about bombing Turkey.
Iraq was clearly the subject on everyone’s mind for the night, as many of the award winners made remarkable antiwar statements and peppered their acceptance speeches with deeply moving commentary.
“At times like this we need to honor the real heroes,” gushed a teary-eyed Best Actress Nicole Kidman. “The men and women who keep this country great by playing soldiers in major motion pictures, reminding us what it’s like to die for your country, or the country where you make money. People like Josh Hartnett. I wish he were here tonight, to celebrate with us.”
Hartnett, who was in the men’s room getting a blowjob at the time of the speech, took the honor in stride. “Nah man, I’m not a hero. When we were out filming in Bosnia, the catering people were the real heros. Those bagel sandwiches were awesome.”
After Kidman’s moving speech, host Steve Martin lightened the mood by announcing that Hartnett would be starring this summer in Pearl Harbor II: America Bombs the Sand People with Bruce Willis and John Leguizamo.
Director Steven Spielberg, on hand in case any spare Oscars went unclaimed, raised the consciousness of the room when he spoke out against Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields in the early stages of the war. “America has no choice but to remove from power a leader who would put thousands of innocent people in harm’s way by not putting all of his tanks and things out in the desert where we can blow them up easy like last time. He gives us no choice but to attack and kill civilians so that we might liberate them.” Spielberg’s comments were met with loud applause from an audience that contained suspiciously few survivors from the United States’ bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.
Best Documentary Film winner Michael Moore drew angry boos from the fickle crowd for his anti-war statements, leading some to speculate that the audience wasn’t actually listening to the words and was just cheering for the general attractiveness of the speakers.
Best Supporting Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones also spoke out against the war in her brief acceptance speech:
“Fuck you all, I’m pregnant.”
In a surprise humanitarian move, Miramax head Harvey Weinstein announced that all of Miramax’s eighteen Oscar-winning films will be re-released to the theaters this month, in an effort to help Americans cope with the stresses of war.
the commune news will refer all future questions of journalistic integrity to a boombox playing Bobby Brown’s seminal 1988 hit My Prerogative. Ivana Folger-Balzac has recently leapfrogged over taxes and is soon to overtake death on the list of unpleasant things in life that cannot be avoided.
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