Shuttle Tragedy Not Even a Blip on Radar Screen Any More
Some kind of pre-Iraq shuttle mishap rumored to have happened
SNAPPER McGEE
Tragic Columbia flight may have started like this, but who can remember?
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Less than two months after the space shuttle Columbia exploded in the skies over a number of western American states, a Gallup poll reveals that at least 87% of all citizens don’t even remember that it happened. Six percent said that they recall “something like that sort of happening a while back, or whatever,” and another seven percent simply replied “Huh?”
“It was the gravest and most important news of the moment. Americans everywhere felt a profound sense of grief at that tragic loss, at least until more important events occurred,” said FOX anchorman Brit Hume. “It was humbling, at the time, to experience such a stirring loss for our nation, but it was understandably forgotten when the Michael Jackson interview aired, and ‘American Idol’ returned to TV, and after we declared war on France and, uh... oh yeah, Iraq.”
“We at CNN are dedicated to forging the path to the truth of these mortifying events and exposing the cause for as long as it takes,” CNN anchor Shepherd Smith pointed out. “But that was provided there were no new developments in the DC sniper hearings, or Martha Stewart didn’t set her Imclone stock on fire. And, as everyone knows, there were a lot of breaking stories in the days following the Challenger explosion, including- What? The Columbia? When?”
MSNBC reporter Victoria Corderi added with a giggle that she couldn’t recall “even the tiniest detail of that story now. I can tell you where I had my hair done last week, though. And I can name all fifty state capitals. Want to hear? There’s Augusta, and there’s Birmingham, and there’s... wait, is it Birmingham? Oh yeah, and I think Atlanta, or does that take the place of Augusta...? And there’s definitely Albany. Definitely Albany. There’s Sacramento, too, but wait, I’m getting out of order...”
Systems analyst Prudy Righteous, of Hellflung, Arizona, responded to the Gallup poll, and told pollsters that she thought she remembered something about finding a big pile of twisted metal wreckage and what appeared to be a scattering of human remains while vacationing at her parents’ ranch in west Texas, but that “It all seems like a blur to me now. You know how you have those funny kind of wakey dreams, where everything seems so real, like aliens standing over your bed and anal-probing you, but you don’t really remember it in the morning? It was kind of like that.”
Another respondent, unemployed seasonal worker Manuel Shorthoe, of Reamer, Nevada, said that he thought he saw something bright streaking across the sky a couple months back, but added that “You guys prob’ly shouldn’t pay much attention to that. I see that kind of stuff while staring at the ceiling in my living room all the time. You know. But hey, did you catch that Michael Jackson interview? Man, that guy is like a total freakin’ freak, you know what I’m saying?”
When asked if they thought the shuttle program should continue in light of the now-forgotten tragedy, a full 90% responded “Heck yeah! How else are we going to get to the airport? You know how much long term parking costs there?”
Because the number of people sampled was much higher than usual -- a whopping 57,392 people responded, probably because they were all promised that Bill Gates would send them a check and a gift certificate to the Gap if they did so -- the margin for error was set at approximately plus or minus 14%.
Contrary to most poll respondents, we here at the commune recall the shuttle tragedy in great detail. It was the same morning that Bludney Pludd brought lox and bagels and cream cheese to the office, trying to do a little brown-nosing, but the cream cheese was bad and gave most everyone in the office a bad case of the runs. Thanks, Bludney. Look for a little something special in your next pay envelope.
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