Officials Report Ass-Rape of Iraq Going Well
Early setbacks inconsequential in overall sodomy plan
CODY 'DEATHWISH' WEISBAUM
No worries, phallic attack is thrusting forward as planned
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Amid reports of increasing U.S. casualties and slowed progress against Iraqi military targets, U.S. officials have made public assurances that the ass-rape of Iraq is proceeding according to schedule.
“U.S. Forces have penetrated Iraq’s supple, moist labia of forces and are thrusting toward Baghdad as we speak,” confided a disturbingly lusty Gen. Harold Jonas. “We’re confident we’ll have this bitch putting out by the end of the month.”
However, critics of U.S. military planning, including several Gulf War veterans, have suggested that ground forces should have been fortified with at least one more big-dicked Army division before the attacks began.
“The U.S. is coming in like Frasier’s wimpy brother Niles, when we should be coming in like Ron fuckin’ Jeremy,” confided retired Army Gen. Barry R. Wade, wearing a Fuck ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out tee shirt purchased at a recent gun show. “Frankly, I just don’t see how this limp, flaccid attack force is going to strike ass-raping terror into the hearts of the Iraqis. The Iraqis should be wet with fear at the awe-inspiring sight of our throbbing, gargantuan member. Forces. Member forces.”
When asked what in the hell he was talking about, Gen. Wade accused this reporter of being unpatriotic, and possibly homosexual. A long, uncomfortable silence followed.
Army Maj. Gen. Stanley McChrystal, vice chief of operations for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, assured reporters that the U.S. forces were doing fine as presently configured. “You’d be surprised, our boys are doing alright. We’ve presently got Iraq’s skirt up around its waist, with some early reports of penetration. There’s been heavy breathing around Nasiriyah and Basra. Iraq’s firm, luscious tits have been thoroughly felt-up and it’s only a matter of time before she’s screaming ‘America! America!’ at the top of her lungs.”
Asked to explain the situation without all of the dense military jargon, McChrystal looked confused for a second then made a vague “humping” motion with his hands and pelvis for the benefit of reporters.
“Besides,” McChrystal added nervously, “the current U.S. forces aren’t that small.”
“The simple fact of the matter is, bigger is always better when it comes to the American military package,” countered Gen. Wade with a slightly crazed look in his eye. “The military’s current ‘Motion of the Ocean’ attack plan, based on superior training and battlefield intelligence, can never substitute for an all-out full frontal double-penetration. The whole works: Longjohn helicopter gunships, B12 Cockshocker missiles, Bradley Cherrypoppers… with that overwhelming military girth, Iraq would have no choice but to surrender to our rhythmic military maneuvers. Then that teasing bitch nation would get what’s coming to it. Sure, there might be collateral damage to the panties of the region, but that’s to be expected. As presently configured, we run the serious risk of prematurely ejaculating, militarily, before reaching Baghdad.”
Before being allowed to leave his basement rec room, this reporter was obligated to bear witness to Gen. Wade’s private collection of “military training” videos, which included brightly colored covers and titles like Bunker Busters, Operation Desert Sodomy and The Sexual Liberation of Kuwait.
the commune news, twelve times more likely to be part of the story than the average news source. Truman Prudy is the commune's prodigal reporter, back from a recent kidnapping and the general uninvestigated assumption that he was dead. the commune news would welcome Prudy back, but he'll probably have disappeared again by the time anyone reads this, so nevermind.
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