Poll: 99 Percent of Americans Support Happiness
All demographics prefer everyone gets along and be nice
GLAUCOMA MARTIN
A crowd of post-impressionists, all presumably in favor of happiness, gather outside Penn Station.
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Many purported to be surprised by the results of a random poll Thursday of living Americans to find high numbers in support of happiness and/or general well-being all around. While the poll results don’t show express support for the administration or opposition to the war on Iraq, many responders suggested that happiness for everyone was something they favored.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “most strongly agree” and 1 being “most strongly disagree,” nearly 99.3% answered with 10 the question, “Would you like for everybody to be happy?” With a 3% margin of error, .6% ranked between 1 and 9 in their responses to the same question, while .1% were undecided on whether they wanted everyone to be happy.
According to the report, the results were clear across demographic boundaries. Republicans, Democrats, and independents were all generally in favor of happiness for everyone, as were women and men, most whites and members of minority groups. Incomes ranging from high to very low, even poverty levels, responded similarly, as did Christians, Muslims, and those of other faiths. In general, uncertainty was expressed among 28-year-old white middle class Christian men named Trevor Bancroft, who sounded like they might have been drinking a little.
A very high number of respondents also expressed a distaste for bad things. Many stated that if they had their way, they would do away with bad things altogether, while a small number expressed a philosophical opinion that bad things might be sometimes necessary for the twain purposes of breaking up monotony and making good things seem better.
While varying numbers expressed support or disagreement with military action in Iraq, high numbers again responded in favor of everyone getting along with each other. Some suggested putting aside differences in favor of working together in harmony, but their suggestions were batted aside with sarcastic statements that the poll wasn’t a democracy.
The poll results follows a confusing month for pollsters, who have been reporting seemingly contradictory results that show Americans have strongly supported U.S. troops and at the same time have been against war. Polling companies are saying it’s a pleasant change to find so many Americans agreeing on the subject of happiness.
Poll experts, which we are assured exist, are describing the high numbers as a rare artifact in polling. Such high similar responses in a poll have not been reported since 1995’s poll on whether or not child abuse was good, 1992’s poll on whether or not people were afraid of dying, and 1985’s poll on who preferred Pepsi to Coke, taken by the Coca-Cola Company as part of an advertising campaign.
the commune news is untouched by a 10-foot poll. Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown is the living-challenged reporter and some kind of baseball player who works for free, since money falls through his non-corporeal hands.
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