Big Bombs Get Bigger
New U.S. bomb to finally end “life on earth” problem
BAGEL FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM
The new bomb, though highly classified, is thought to look something like these favorite bombs of yesteryear
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The Pentagon announced today that, in the wake of the success of the huge 21,000 pound MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs), it was beginning work today on an even bigger model, officially dubbed as the Motherfucking Cocksucking Sonofabitch King Hell Bastard Shit Oh Dear Of All Bombs, Like, Ever, or MCSKHBSODOABLE. The bomb will be approximately the size of one-fifth of the Earth’s moon, will have a payload the equivalent of 946 Hiroshimas, and will, in the words of one unnamed Pentagon official, “Blow the fucking shit out of every living creature within about a five thousand mile radius -- even cockroaches. Ha! Even cockroaches! Maybe we should call it the Orkin Exterminator!”
To begin construction of the new super-sized weapon, the United States has annexed the entire nation of Canada and sent eviction notices to every Canadian citizen, asking that they please vacate the premises within one month. Official spokesman Colonel Jack “Rabbit” Tallysmall-Rand commented on that eviction notice, saying “Those Canucks better get going fast, because we need to start building this baby pronto. Any of them back-bacon lovers that’s still there in a month’s time will find the doors locked and their stuff all piled into a Hefty bag on the sidewalk, toot sweet.”
Asked about the bomb itself, Col. Tallysmall-Rand agreed that “Super-sized is about right. We want it our way, get it? The MCSKHBSODOABLE will be the mightiest weapon the world has ever seen, the monster truck of all bombs, and that ought to show all them bastards that don’t want to get with the program that we mean business.”
The Colonel added that the bomb will be delivered by a pair of space shuttles flying in tandem, with the payload tethered to a huge glider-like platform between them. Once in range, the cables will be released and the bomb will then waft gently to the Earth, where it will unleash seven or eight different kinds of hell once it reaches treetop level.
“This baby gonna make the MOAB seem like a little old ladyfinger when it pops, whee doggies! It could bomb the stink off a shit pile!” Col. Tallysmall-Rand went on to say, while exchanging double high fives, down low, too slow with his aide, one Major Custis Sprinkle.
“He ain’t lying!” interjected Major Sprinkle, drawing a grin and an elbow in the ribs from his superior officer.
Asked who came up with the name for the bomb, Col. Tallysmall-Rand just beamed and replied, “Who do you think?” while Major Sprinkle, exaggeratedly winking and nodding his head, gestured with a pointing finger held behind his palm towards the colonel. “Mr. Rumsfeld wanted us to call it the ‘Democracy-Maker,’ but we thought that was too pussy. We wanted a name that would put the fear of God into our enemies.”
Asked by another reporter why they didn’t just build a bomb the size of the entire Earth and cut an America-sized hole in it, Col. Tallysmall-Rand’s eyes grew wide, and he remained silent for a long moment. He then declared the press conference over, and immediately huddled with Major Sprinkle and a number of other officers near the dais, while Military Police cleared the room by wildly swinging their batons in all directions.
We at the commune would like to go on record as saying that there’s nothing wrong with ladyfingers, especially when placed in “certain areas.” However, Boner Cunningham is reminded that “certain areas” does not mean the executive washroom.
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